I Was Young: Part Four

“Untitled”

I have a new name it’s been so long.

And man have I changed!

I’m not as strong, can’t laugh as long. Something’s wrong

And yet it’s not the block I had in 2001.

I still have ideas and could jot some but I've closed up shop

Something made me stop

God couldn’t have taken it away

He gave it to me to protect and console me

To comfort and believe me

when no one else does.

I have a man now it’s been so long

And man have I changed

My friends say I’m a girl now

But should they say that?

Because I have always been a female

and yet my body stays unchanged too much

My mind is taking a break and it doesn’t have to be buff

But I still don’t cry

My back was broken and my thoughts were poking

at my confused heart and reconciled spirit

Yet no tears will fall. Hell no, not at all

I can’t write, my man is alright but no- woman won’t cry tonight

And man, have I changed?

“Untitled”

Those eyes so innocent I could be deceived

As the words out of your mouth

Leave much to be perceived

You’re not what I expected yet somehow I knew

that whoever you were- so many that you are- I’d never not know you

You’re something strange to me

You throw my perspective of unconventionality

And scare me in the process

I’ve never walked on broken glass and loathe appearing the ass

But that’s what you make me

And yet we are still talking, we're still trying to get walking

Down the road of friendship

But because you’re so relentless

I’ll always be scared of you, but I’ll never admit it. Not to your face

Even if you read and I cannot erase

Coz I can’t put a finger on it, don’t want to linger on it

I’m out of my league and you hold many balls

I cant’ choose the game, have no power or fame

to pull strings and make it my day where it’s all up to me

All about me: not you in the background watching me speak

You’re gonna catch me one day but I’ll struggle all the way

Because I refuse to be the victim, the patient, the one analysed

There: I think it’s off my chest but I never realised

You’re like my shadow, I can’t just go

We’re part of the same and whatever I think you’ll follow

“Untitled”

So far

You’re the only man who’s ever made me cry and that I love because

Who isn’t dead or can’t be said is of my blood

Hell, you’re the only man I’ve ever said I love

My heart beats so mild but my thoughts are running wild

Of what I cannot say out loud and what I wish I’d show you. To make it rhyme:

I’m so glad I know you

Skin to skin

My eyes meet yours as you hold my hand

Heart to heart

I smile, I cry and we dance

I can’t say where I’d be without you, without me

That I can’t sleep without you is so hard to digest

Can’t exactly say when it became emotions from the question of simple rest

You’re part of me now and you’re leaving again

Will my heart stop, will the tears flow when you can’t touch me

When you go I’m not following maybe I’ll sit here wallowing

Or maybe it's lucid and you’ll be right here

Where I’m keeping you: near. Baby it’s all I can do

To keep from wishing you on a lucky star

Saying goodbye will never have been so hard. That’s why I don’t want to

And I wish it were so simple. Your support right here right now is all I’ve got to hold onto

Maybe you’re not the one I belong to or else God wouldn’t take you away

But for now: this is best and in your arms I’ll stay

“Untitled”

I want to be like you but you’re a man

Sitting across the table with papers in your hand

I’m drinking Coke from a coffee cup

And you’re talking of cups and love and ladies

And you look so sure when my life is full of maybes

Your soul knows where the turmoil is

Mine thinks it does, grasps something then skids

Away from all that I think I’d be cool with

Only because you want to look inside

You have a deeper meaning

Or at least you’ve said you do. Imply it’s true

But really my nature’s not to trust you

Get offended and I lose you, bruise you and that fractured image

Of me, what you wish to see- which I’ll never really be

I spent my life arguing

So I let you believe that which you wish if an argument I’m forgoing

I just hope you won’t be disappointed when

I open your eyes, take away your delight and show you a self that can never be right

“Untitled”

It is so hard to put into words

How my belly flutters and sends a trip to my heart

When I think of what darling it’s like I’ve found the sun

I’m going to cherish each whisper each song- no single one is the best

It’s never been like this and even if it’s tomorrow

I’m singing happy songs now and darling right now you are the one

Pet names and endearments are flowing out my mouth

And I don’t mind in the least

Because the smell of you and feelings too just let me lose myself

I love you now and if this is how it’s gotta be tonight, then fine with me

It’s meant to be and I’ll memorise the moments

To breathe you in and touch your skin

And desire to be with you forever

“Untitled”

You have the world in your pocket and yet you cannot smile

Without me what did you do?

I’ve only known you an hour or two

But last month is when I met you

If you could cry I’m sure you might

Because there is nothing else to do

Do something for yourself just let loose

You don’t have to be a rock star

Even they love their guitars and groupies

If only an hour on end

I don’t wish that anyone die alone or lonely

My heart has too much room

I’d build another compartment if need be

Or else you’ll make me cry

Because I know-how it feels to be all concealed

And struggle with your problems

I’ll be the ear that wishes to hear all you have to tell me

Talk to someone, find the joy. Anything else just isn’t healthy

“Untitled”

You’re back in my life and we’re actually laughing

We’re better than we were before

I’d wished for it locked but I think I’ll leave it open

And to think we’ve so much in common

You’re talking to me and I’m actually listening

Is this a step in the right direction

Or am I playing with flames

Because I never loved you and your desire for me isn’t quite tame

Written by YaSaBa (31/07/2006)

NB. These poems are in different colours because I am sure they are each about particular people, who I have now separated by the text colours.