I Was Young: Part Nine

"Untitled"

I don’t even know if I’m in love anymore

People telling me how I should feel

The distance means silence

You’re far away… you’re quiet. I am too

Insides conversing back, there’s no other way

My heart and mind know what they must

But my ears are so confused

Telling me “hold on”, “let go”, “cry”, “worry”

Doesn’t help at all

All I know is you’re far away and we’ve said what we had to say

You know how to deal with how you feel and so do I

The outside world should just behold

See if they find the love they think they know

Written by YaSaBa (26/08/06)

I Was Young: Part Eight

“Untitled”

Purple is the color of royalty

So to kings we bid farewell

The script upon the page must flow

When ingenuity I don't feel

The flame has been put out and the drums no longer play

The jesters have put their jokes away, the sun is gone today

Farewell to kings and princes

All hope has just been lost

No feasts attended... oh spirit mend it! There is naught to boast

So the scribe’s the last to leave the stage

Having taken in all to see

Such as it is I know the sorrow… the scribe is me

“Untitled”

It was much too dry!

Play it with more passion

Seize the moment and make it last

Don’t go about it in this doleful fashion

Close your eyes and feel the rush

Everything explodes with every touch

If you show the right emotion

Sounds and smells all but collide

Oh music... we flit, we float, we fly

Take reins and dogs can run

Panting, straining and enjoying the fun

Laughter erupts and smiles break

If with precision and grace this moment you take

“Untitled”

Hard as it is to believe

I’m glad to see you leave

It opens another chapter

That we can approach in laughter

We drank from it

Now throw the gauntlet in the fire

“Is this love or just desire”

To be without you will be the test

And show us where we are best

I’ll take care if you do too

Is what we can say here and now

Miles apart the question is how?

We’re both young with our lives ahead

It’s not like we’ve made our bed

So no need to lie

Or spare a tear in eye

When it’s over and done, so be it

I just hope that we’ll both see it

For now we wait

In the way we communicate

To see if we’ll test time

Oh Lord this test is mine

To be true and without you

Let’s see what pulls me through

Written by YaSaBa (21/08/06)

I Was Young: Part Seven

“Untitled”

There are so many things I could have said

But I'm choked now like I was then

All I thought of was good bye

Though then was not the time

Written by YaSaBa (15/08/06)

I Was Young: Part Six

“Untitled”

My dreaming senses say I was with you

You were with me

Long moments in each other’s presence

Talking of the days and promises we’re both afraid to make

I’m not scared of it any more... I’m ready for you to leave

Bets aside I will not cry

Frets aside I cannot lie   

Here I am and there you are

Make some effort we’ll both do

But 1^st step is for you to get on the plane

As it is you’ve driven me insane

Incoherence

And broken thoughts

Are something I’ve got to deal with

In my dreaming senses I’m with you

But they know it so different

They don’t see what I do

Haven’t come to my side of my eyes

They’re looking in but can’t see without my help

I could be in hell

But I’m with you. And they don’t know

“Untitled”

I opened my lungs and sang to block it out

The noise in my ears rang

Get confused when an element so unright

Interrupts our tonight

And you brought it here

He doesn’t belong and it’s so wrong to give me away

I spent my life fighting, putting it in writing. And I say:

If you will not have me and I not you

Let me be the one to choose

Where I go from that time forth

I shall not love- not with force

You speak of silence, butterflies

All that’s to be with time

I don’t want what you say, close my eyes

I’m happy with now- now is fine

Regardless of what God has in store

Your mention of him becomes a bore

For I am yours and you are mine

He fits in nowhere… or are you blind?

Written by YaSaBa (13/08/06)

I Was Young: Part Five

“Untitled”

The movies would have the table revolving in the crowded room

Her solemn face, the clatter of knives and spoon

His mellow voice, the chatter around the room

My laughing self trying not to reel as the emotions just never balance

He’s trying to get her to laugh

She won’t even try his tart

Because this is the real world and I see matters of the heart

The room must stop as I take a look

We’re talking business but my mind isn’t in it

And I might miss out as I slowly drown

In the sister’s counter-production

Of the morose vibes and comments blithe

That throw us all the more off balance

She hardly opened her mouth

But we’ve abandoned an agenda just to make her happy

Written by YaSaBa (02/08/06)

I Was Young: Part Four

“Untitled”

I have a new name it’s been so long.

And man have I changed!

I’m not as strong, can’t laugh as long. Something’s wrong

And yet it’s not the block I had in 2001.

I still have ideas and could jot some but I've closed up shop

Something made me stop

God couldn’t have taken it away

He gave it to me to protect and console me

To comfort and believe me

when no one else does.

I have a man now it’s been so long

And man have I changed

My friends say I’m a girl now

But should they say that?

Because I have always been a female

and yet my body stays unchanged too much

My mind is taking a break and it doesn’t have to be buff

But I still don’t cry

My back was broken and my thoughts were poking

at my confused heart and reconciled spirit

Yet no tears will fall. Hell no, not at all

I can’t write, my man is alright but no- woman won’t cry tonight

And man, have I changed?

“Untitled”

Those eyes so innocent I could be deceived

As the words out of your mouth

Leave much to be perceived

You’re not what I expected yet somehow I knew

that whoever you were- so many that you are- I’d never not know you

You’re something strange to me

You throw my perspective of unconventionality

And scare me in the process

I’ve never walked on broken glass and loathe appearing the ass

But that’s what you make me

And yet we are still talking, we're still trying to get walking

Down the road of friendship

But because you’re so relentless

I’ll always be scared of you, but I’ll never admit it. Not to your face

Even if you read and I cannot erase

Coz I can’t put a finger on it, don’t want to linger on it

I’m out of my league and you hold many balls

I cant’ choose the game, have no power or fame

to pull strings and make it my day where it’s all up to me

All about me: not you in the background watching me speak

You’re gonna catch me one day but I’ll struggle all the way

Because I refuse to be the victim, the patient, the one analysed

There: I think it’s off my chest but I never realised

You’re like my shadow, I can’t just go

We’re part of the same and whatever I think you’ll follow

“Untitled”

So far

You’re the only man who’s ever made me cry and that I love because

Who isn’t dead or can’t be said is of my blood

Hell, you’re the only man I’ve ever said I love

My heart beats so mild but my thoughts are running wild

Of what I cannot say out loud and what I wish I’d show you. To make it rhyme:

I’m so glad I know you

Skin to skin

My eyes meet yours as you hold my hand

Heart to heart

I smile, I cry and we dance

I can’t say where I’d be without you, without me

That I can’t sleep without you is so hard to digest

Can’t exactly say when it became emotions from the question of simple rest

You’re part of me now and you’re leaving again

Will my heart stop, will the tears flow when you can’t touch me

When you go I’m not following maybe I’ll sit here wallowing

Or maybe it's lucid and you’ll be right here

Where I’m keeping you: near. Baby it’s all I can do

To keep from wishing you on a lucky star

Saying goodbye will never have been so hard. That’s why I don’t want to

And I wish it were so simple. Your support right here right now is all I’ve got to hold onto

Maybe you’re not the one I belong to or else God wouldn’t take you away

But for now: this is best and in your arms I’ll stay

“Untitled”

I want to be like you but you’re a man

Sitting across the table with papers in your hand

I’m drinking Coke from a coffee cup

And you’re talking of cups and love and ladies

And you look so sure when my life is full of maybes

Your soul knows where the turmoil is

Mine thinks it does, grasps something then skids

Away from all that I think I’d be cool with

Only because you want to look inside

You have a deeper meaning

Or at least you’ve said you do. Imply it’s true

But really my nature’s not to trust you

Get offended and I lose you, bruise you and that fractured image

Of me, what you wish to see- which I’ll never really be

I spent my life arguing

So I let you believe that which you wish if an argument I’m forgoing

I just hope you won’t be disappointed when

I open your eyes, take away your delight and show you a self that can never be right

“Untitled”

It is so hard to put into words

How my belly flutters and sends a trip to my heart

When I think of what darling it’s like I’ve found the sun

I’m going to cherish each whisper each song- no single one is the best

It’s never been like this and even if it’s tomorrow

I’m singing happy songs now and darling right now you are the one

Pet names and endearments are flowing out my mouth

And I don’t mind in the least

Because the smell of you and feelings too just let me lose myself

I love you now and if this is how it’s gotta be tonight, then fine with me

It’s meant to be and I’ll memorise the moments

To breathe you in and touch your skin

And desire to be with you forever

“Untitled”

You have the world in your pocket and yet you cannot smile

Without me what did you do?

I’ve only known you an hour or two

But last month is when I met you

If you could cry I’m sure you might

Because there is nothing else to do

Do something for yourself just let loose

You don’t have to be a rock star

Even they love their guitars and groupies

If only an hour on end

I don’t wish that anyone die alone or lonely

My heart has too much room

I’d build another compartment if need be

Or else you’ll make me cry

Because I know-how it feels to be all concealed

And struggle with your problems

I’ll be the ear that wishes to hear all you have to tell me

Talk to someone, find the joy. Anything else just isn’t healthy

“Untitled”

You’re back in my life and we’re actually laughing

We’re better than we were before

I’d wished for it locked but I think I’ll leave it open

And to think we’ve so much in common

You’re talking to me and I’m actually listening

Is this a step in the right direction

Or am I playing with flames

Because I never loved you and your desire for me isn’t quite tame

Written by YaSaBa (31/07/2006)

NB. These poems are in different colours because I am sure they are each about particular people, who I have now separated by the text colours.

Eternal Christmas Wishes

“For under the tree,
there’s one gift I hope to see:
You, unwrapped by me.”

—	Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

Source: tylerknott.com

I Was Young: Part Three

Another Vow

Clear as crystal

I see my goals flash forward- before me

My achievements to acquire

Are many hoped and set close together

My mind’s eye can’t yet hold a candle to it

But I’ll do my best. At hardest try

No matter how tough, I’ll never cry

I’ll not stop until the time is right

And I’ve fought with all my might

So if I look back and say

Not everything went my way

At  least I can add

That I haven’t done so bad!

This in my goals is so very crucial

And between my mind and heart the feeling is mutual

A promise from myself I know

That I’ll hold true

For all that I have dreamed

It’s the least that I can do. 

Written by KaBabyblu (27/07/03)

I Was Young: Part Two

Untitled 

Sorry is hard word to choke out

Unobligingly, it trickles through his lips

And as I watch it come, out with the slightest of doubts

I can’t believe it had to end like this

Best of friends

Thought it’d never end

But the finish was near, just around the next bend

Is it always true that a girl and boy can’t be close with no strings attached?

As far as friendship goes we were perfectly matched

Laughing together- the atmosphere as light as a feather

You’d tell me your worries and sorrows

And we’d plan solutions for tomorrow

Teasing was meaningless- a life of no bondage no stress

I’d have hooked you up with a friend of mine

But you said that being is just fine

Little could u have known how far from the truth that was

So much for consolidated trust

Anyway we might try

I guess I set my hopes too high

Gone are the days of careless delight

I grimace with chagrin when the thought

Comes to me at night

Too close, as is for comfort

So much for a hopeless conversation

I’ll scream it to the nation

No need for contemplation

I do have reservations

Just keep your wayward station and I’ll keep mine

I’ll be doing fine- that’s my line

Time and again. Time after time.

Written by KaBabyblu (23/07/03)

Untitled 

Come on and tell me

It’s just a lil secret

If you come on and tell me

I swear that I’ll keep it...

Safe within my heart

My lips will never part

Sworn to secrecy

Those words I’ll keep with me

As long as I live…

I said I wouldn’t tell

But what’s a little secret?

I know I said I wouldn’t tell

But what would you do if I didn’t keep it?

I only told a teensy bit

Not the whole thing, so don’t have a fit!

Oh why did you come and tell me?

Next time I promise I’ll let you be.

As long as I live…

I’m just itching to know

Why’d you have to tell me?

That there’s a secret I’m just itching to know

Forget past as past tell me now and then we’ll see...

I just had to tell

Oops now you’re surely as mad as hell.

Never have I ever been beaten so bad.

Never again shall I let the cat out of the bag-

That’s the hardest thrashing I’ve ever had!

And it’s gonna be the last

For past is always past, but this time I’ll leave it at that

As long as I live…

Written by KaBabyblu (23/07/03)

[Song: Dirty Little Secret- All American Rejects]

I Was Young Series- Part One

I have decided to make an effort to be chronological for some time... What better place to begin than in the past. So now I bring to you pieces from my early teens. Enjoy them if you can...

“Untitled”

Can’t fall in love with me

Please tell me that you see

Why

Did I ever mislead you?

Flattery undue

No lasting love here

Don’t cry a single tear

Hear me!

See me- I'm not happy

Why?

I won’t ever love you

My heart do not pursue

Time and again I’ve told you, ‘dear’

I thought I made it very clear… 

Written by KaBabyblu (2003)

I Give Up...

...do you?

In the wakes of hurricanes, the aftermath as evidenced on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

The house we built on that solid foundation has been wiped away like it was never created.

We stand here, facing the ruins and wonder, is it even worth trying again?

The pieces of our home still exist and the solid rock upon which we began, remains in tact

We stand here, facing the ruins and wonder, is it even worth trying again?

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

The wounds bled deep but the scars will eventually heal.

The tears shed as we fought and travailed to a victory that could only be called our own won't go uncounted

Having beaten down the opponents standing in our love's way, we stood on the ridge

and looked over all we'd been through, fought for, believed in

And where there should have been pride and peace, there was unrest and scorching doubts

about whether we had done the right thing... had we lost too much to gain what we wanted?

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

I sit alone in the dark. Alone where you left me.

The bright, hot African sun is shining today... but it's still dark.

How can my mind's I* possibly trudge through the bleak nothing that you left inside?

How can I possibly know up from down and back from front

when the light of my heart has been doused by the torrent of my own tears?

The doubts now pounce where they never dared leave a shadow

The voices shout their heralds where they never even had a court

Surely, there is something I can do to bring us back to... us. Bring you and I back to us

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

Shuttered and revealing nothing. Like the house, if we had prepared for the storm.

Growing greener and fresher everyday. Like the field would when the trampled sprouts spring back and the blood dries.

Silence reigns and my thoughts are still.

Put on a smile and give the rest of me to the world that needs me.

In the wake of hurricanes, the air is still and heavy. Weighing upon your chest like the guilt of regret.

The aftermath on deserted battlefields... blood, sweat and tears wasted on the dead, gone and forgotten lovers.

In the recesses of my mind, I search for the answers. Where we went wrong and how the hell I missed the signs.

The results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted are tears and trembling lips. When is it enough, when should we keep trying?

We made it through the storm, we managed through the fight... and then we fell.

The strength of my mind and all my love couldn't hold me up

I tried to hold on, grasping at straws as I drowned in my own misery.

Choking on tears so thick, I failed to speak- reserving my energy for the survival of the 'we' I always cherished

But I'm saying it now.

I give up.

Do you?

In the wake of hurricanes, families help each other put the pieces back together and the building begins again

In the aftermath on deserted battlefields, soldiers carry each other to the barracks to find strength in numbers and get ready for the next encounter

In the recesses of my mind, I still hear you say the words 'I love you' with a gentleness that stilled my soul...

The results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted, when their pleas are unanswered. In their words, devoid now of any happiness, apart from anything akin to hope.

I give up.