Vicious Cycles

I brought the trash back into the house.

I had dusted all the windows

Wiped down all the surfaces and they were starting to get their shine back.

I had vacuumed every nook and cranny

I had recovered all the beds and scrubbed all the tubs

I had laundered the linen

Polished the silver

Made myself ready for your arrival

And then I brought the trash back into the house.

What's Changed

You used to ask who I was talking to when it wasn’t you

You once said it would be good if we greeted each other even if we didn’t feel like it

You used to say you had so much love to give and you just wanted someone to give it to

I know you said you were quiet but you didn’t say we would never talk

I know you have a business to run and you have lots of work to do, but am I that insignificant?

I never thought I could be forgotten or ignored by someone who said they love me too much to lose me

You once said you love me too much to let me go

You once said 'Trust has to be earned…' is this how you build it?

You once said we are where I want us to be

You once said that I’m the girl you want to center your world around

You once said I rock your world and that the thought of losing me was a nightmare

You once told me I was perfect for you

Cleansing Tears

Cleansing tears wash regret down my face

Where they dry and leave a dark trace

 Of the pain you walked me to the edge of

And left me at to ponder

Oh if only I’d been stronger.

Strong enough to fight for you

Something I wish I’d done but cannot do

Strong enough to endure your struggle

But the silence was so loud my mind was muddled

About what to do and how to help

So my place in your life is now a trophy on a shelf.

A trophy with no names carved like notches on the bedpost

The love I have and long to share isn’t even what I wanted to give you most

You’ll never know the fire’s heat that was meant for you and I

We’ll never rush from passion roar to lovers’ sated sigh.

Cleansing tears wash down face

And hope they can erase

All that you once promised me

Binding my heart, walking free.

For the rest of my life

I will remember you

You left me near empty

With no hope to refuel

You cracked at my veneer

Until I showed you all my fears.

You dared me to love

To believe your words and trust

To lay my heart down

Like my throat at the guillotine

Vulnerable to you

As naked as the day I joined the world

Then you decided after wooing and reviewing me.

You chose not to make me that girl

Who completed who you were as you went off to conquer the world

Even after the wounds close and the bruises heal

I will remember you

Your words, those songs, the things you left unsaid

Are a chorus of reminders

Played inside my head.

I don’t think you deserve me right now.

I can see where this will lead and I don’t think- in fact I know- that I won’t be the rebound girl, so you’ll find another plaything and the cycle will continue. I must find it in myself to reject you and all your beautiful.

I don’t think I deserve you right now.

I have been presented with knights in shining armour and lords with the wealth of nations,

Surely I don’t believe I deserve an impoverished heart?

It is not about the money, but the state and wealth of your being...

You have spent your last cent in a two-bit relationship whereas I would have brought my plentiful dowry to your feet and offered you all I am and can be.

I don’t think we are in the same world.

But don’t I deserve happiness?

Don’t you deserve it too?

You won’t find it where you are looking...

You’re in the wrong house again my dear.

Looking into the double-storey with the fireplace blazing and yet you are in the shack next door- oh so far but very, very near.

You don’t think you deserve me either.

If I am to be completely honest, this is true.

You seek for moments of hot gratification and hope to hold onto me while you sift through your hormones until all that is left is your heart and its clear message, whatever that may be.

I can see glimpses of the great love you could and can be, but you see me as the long haul kind of girl and therefore relegate me to a sideline post where I can be your cheerleader and medic and pep talker when needed... you’ll always find a reason to need me for a little while before jumping back in the field of action.

And I don’t think I deserve that.

He came to me, looking like he was supposed to and that meant, things were back to normal... my heart filled with sadness and I let him go before I even said hello.

Good bye sexy one...

I hope you have a great time with the freak of nature’s best game. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re not so much the same

Or that you’d rather be gay

Or maybe that you’d rather have stayed with me anyway.

You told me that you weren’t looking for a relationship and then turn around and pick her so I hope she makes you glad

and that you never wonder about what we never had

And yet on the other hand, I hope that in the woes of passion, you embrace her and pull in her for a kiss and the bar on your tongue

Hooks to the ring on her lip and it burns and stings the way your quick choice stung

I hope to untangle yourselves you rip out the ring, disfiguring the face you chose over mine

And your tongue starts to bleed and maybe she gives you an STD

Because that is the only way I won’t let you come back to me.

What am I saying, that isn’t the only way! But it is a very good reason

That and that you committed relationship treason

And I don’t look back

Not for you, not for anyone.

Goodbye sexy one...

If I had the capacity to relay my thoughts verbatim,

You’d see everything that my heart keeps hidden.

I keep thinking and thinking

And with every thought my heart is sinking.

I don’t think I am important enough to you to begin with

Because I’d win, don’t matter if competition is stiff

I would always win.

Hands tied, eyes closed, heart drowned... I would always win.

The essence of having the cake and eating it too

Or having the best of both worlds should never apply in matters of the heart.

True matters anyhow...

it’s understandable

I was angry and ready for a fight until he called

Then my heart was again ready for flight, I started to fall

I was a nervous wreck by the end of week

Not sure whether to go down fighting or turn the other cheek

The excitement, I’m told, was all over my face

The emotion called love tends to blot out time and space

So when I saw him and smiled like I did

I let myself just bathe in the joy, back to being a kid

And afterwards when it came time to really talk

He took me down the incredibly difficult road he had to walk

The silence was intermittent and full of such pain

One would rather spend a night sleeping in the rain

You can only forgive and you can’t help but cry

That through his pain, he hardly even tried

Left outside The Circle to your own devices

Would you hold strong against all your friends’ advices?

The pieces are still fragile and yet to be mended

But I’m glad we spoke and made peace and no one pretended.

23-Oct-09

Living in our Babylon

We cannot exist together speaking two different languages

The pastor even said so

We cannot go on living as we do if I cannot understand you

You can’t read the language of my heart

And I can’t read from a distance so far apart.

You don’t hear the words of a scared woman

And I don’t hear, won’t hear the doubts if you don’t open your mouth to speak.

What path have you taken

And can it be mine?

You are all alone there and seem to be fine

And it worries me to notice

The pastor said understanding is a result of speech

So just how much silence will you keep

Before I give in and walk on by?

Before the tears begin to cry

Tell me something, tell me why?

We keep waiting and waiting for more words from me

Although I love you comes easily

Where is the proof that it’s not just words?

Simple to man

Like flying is to birds.

Talk to me now, to keep the peace

Saying anything at all to put me at ease.

14-Sept-09

“Unhappy Housewife: It’s all in my head”

I ripped your throat out as I smiled over the roast chicken last night.

It started as a cold word and then you slapped me

Then I lay there, still on the ground until you decided to pour your soup in my hair

And it made me so mad I stood up and slapped you back, with a shaking, angry hand.

Of course this made you more outraged still and my head slammed against the cupboard

Scratching and besides myself, I screamed that you couldn’t feed yourself without me, you ungrateful pig

You punched me twice in the stomach and said the money came from you… we all know that

You kicked me with your expensive boots from Australia, cracked my teeth.

Then you knelt before me and said my food was not good enough for swine.

So to save you the grief of having to digest it, I ripped your goddamn throat out.

Then I served the rest of the family and the meal went well.

I kissed you silly and thanked you for the gift you got me for my birthday, this morning.

I found it in my closet, next to last year’s shoes.

With a neat perfunctory bow, straight from a department store gift section, they sat there waiting.

I tried them on for size and they were 2 sizes too big but no worries, love. They’re beautiful.

Then I ran to the bathroom to sneak into the shower with you, extra gratitude

Needless, though, you were already done. Not there.

So I sped down the stairs, hoping to find you in the breakfast nook with your coffee.

You were already done there too, though. Dishes in the sink.

So I rushed to the garage, in order to catch you before you drove out to work.

Your car wasn’t parked there… hadn’t even closed the garage door on your way out.

I found a note in the kitchen when I returned. Two week trip out of town. Hope I liked the shoes.

That is when I realized you forgot the birthday and the shoes were an apology for another departure.

But I won’t relay that to the girls at the salon.

You’re out of town now and I will miss you…

This morning, I kissed you silly and enjoyed that shower and meal for two.

I moaned aloud as you bit into my skin and handled my body like fillet from the butchery.

Closing my eyes I imagined each sharp nip was a gentle nibble, along the inner parts of my thigh.

Your hands groping blindly on my breasts became the caress of a skilled and caring man, kindling fires of passion

Each time you pulled my hair, it turned into a playful tug, making my scalp tingle

You put me first and every move you made was for my benefit so that I could reach that place

Just like the first time we made love… it is only getting better with time.

You listen when I ask you to adjust and try something new, you never get mad.

Ha… It never hurts, I never have a single complaint because in my head you made sweet, sweet love to me

I moan out loud because in my mind you are the perfect, attentive lover.

[But it is all in my mind and the two images of you will never reconcile, merge or compare.]

22-Dec-09

I Give Up...

...do you?

In the wakes of hurricanes, the aftermath as evidenced on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

The house we built on that solid foundation has been wiped away like it was never created.

We stand here, facing the ruins and wonder, is it even worth trying again?

The pieces of our home still exist and the solid rock upon which we began, remains in tact

We stand here, facing the ruins and wonder, is it even worth trying again?

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

The wounds bled deep but the scars will eventually heal.

The tears shed as we fought and travailed to a victory that could only be called our own won't go uncounted

Having beaten down the opponents standing in our love's way, we stood on the ridge

and looked over all we'd been through, fought for, believed in

And where there should have been pride and peace, there was unrest and scorching doubts

about whether we had done the right thing... had we lost too much to gain what we wanted?

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

I sit alone in the dark. Alone where you left me.

The bright, hot African sun is shining today... but it's still dark.

How can my mind's I* possibly trudge through the bleak nothing that you left inside?

How can I possibly know up from down and back from front

when the light of my heart has been doused by the torrent of my own tears?

The doubts now pounce where they never dared leave a shadow

The voices shout their heralds where they never even had a court

Surely, there is something I can do to bring us back to... us. Bring you and I back to us

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

Shuttered and revealing nothing. Like the house, if we had prepared for the storm.

Growing greener and fresher everyday. Like the field would when the trampled sprouts spring back and the blood dries.

Silence reigns and my thoughts are still.

Put on a smile and give the rest of me to the world that needs me.

In the wake of hurricanes, the air is still and heavy. Weighing upon your chest like the guilt of regret.

The aftermath on deserted battlefields... blood, sweat and tears wasted on the dead, gone and forgotten lovers.

In the recesses of my mind, I search for the answers. Where we went wrong and how the hell I missed the signs.

The results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted are tears and trembling lips. When is it enough, when should we keep trying?

We made it through the storm, we managed through the fight... and then we fell.

The strength of my mind and all my love couldn't hold me up

I tried to hold on, grasping at straws as I drowned in my own misery.

Choking on tears so thick, I failed to speak- reserving my energy for the survival of the 'we' I always cherished

But I'm saying it now.

I give up.

Do you?

In the wake of hurricanes, families help each other put the pieces back together and the building begins again

In the aftermath on deserted battlefields, soldiers carry each other to the barracks to find strength in numbers and get ready for the next encounter

In the recesses of my mind, I still hear you say the words 'I love you' with a gentleness that stilled my soul...

The results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted, when their pleas are unanswered. In their words, devoid now of any happiness, apart from anything akin to hope.

I give up.