For the rest of my life

I will remember you

You left me near empty

With no hope to refuel

You cracked at my veneer

Until I showed you all my fears.

You dared me to love

To believe your words and trust

To lay my heart down

Like my throat at the guillotine

Vulnerable to you

As naked as the day I joined the world

Then you decided after wooing and reviewing me.

You chose not to make me that girl

Who completed who you were as you went off to conquer the world

Even after the wounds close and the bruises heal

I will remember you

Your words, those songs, the things you left unsaid

Are a chorus of reminders

Played inside my head.

Sandman, Be Kind

My hands shake with latent anxiety.
My heart thuds away, afraid that it's
the last time she'll ever really beat again.
My stomach has rejected sustenance,
or cannot bear the idea of having too much to purge because
this whole situation is making me sick with nerves.
I have no idea what I will say,
I fear what I may hear but I'm ready...
no I'm not.
I'm afraid to close my eyes because you might be there again.
I'm literally trembling.
But part of me hopes

who will not judge me?

No consolation, no comfort

No touch

No love

Only heaps of hot red blame

Blame

Blame

Blame

I don’t think you deserve me right now.

I can see where this will lead and I don’t think- in fact I know- that I won’t be the rebound girl, so you’ll find another plaything and the cycle will continue. I must find it in myself to reject you and all your beautiful.

I don’t think I deserve you right now.

I have been presented with knights in shining armour and lords with the wealth of nations,

Surely I don’t believe I deserve an impoverished heart?

It is not about the money, but the state and wealth of your being...

You have spent your last cent in a two-bit relationship whereas I would have brought my plentiful dowry to your feet and offered you all I am and can be.

I don’t think we are in the same world.

But don’t I deserve happiness?

Don’t you deserve it too?

You won’t find it where you are looking...

You’re in the wrong house again my dear.

Looking into the double-storey with the fireplace blazing and yet you are in the shack next door- oh so far but very, very near.

You don’t think you deserve me either.

If I am to be completely honest, this is true.

You seek for moments of hot gratification and hope to hold onto me while you sift through your hormones until all that is left is your heart and its clear message, whatever that may be.

I can see glimpses of the great love you could and can be, but you see me as the long haul kind of girl and therefore relegate me to a sideline post where I can be your cheerleader and medic and pep talker when needed... you’ll always find a reason to need me for a little while before jumping back in the field of action.

And I don’t think I deserve that.

He came to me, looking like he was supposed to and that meant, things were back to normal... my heart filled with sadness and I let him go before I even said hello.

Good bye sexy one...

I hope you have a great time with the freak of nature’s best game. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re not so much the same

Or that you’d rather be gay

Or maybe that you’d rather have stayed with me anyway.

You told me that you weren’t looking for a relationship and then turn around and pick her so I hope she makes you glad

and that you never wonder about what we never had

And yet on the other hand, I hope that in the woes of passion, you embrace her and pull in her for a kiss and the bar on your tongue

Hooks to the ring on her lip and it burns and stings the way your quick choice stung

I hope to untangle yourselves you rip out the ring, disfiguring the face you chose over mine

And your tongue starts to bleed and maybe she gives you an STD

Because that is the only way I won’t let you come back to me.

What am I saying, that isn’t the only way! But it is a very good reason

That and that you committed relationship treason

And I don’t look back

Not for you, not for anyone.

Goodbye sexy one...

If I had the capacity to relay my thoughts verbatim,

You’d see everything that my heart keeps hidden.

I keep thinking and thinking

And with every thought my heart is sinking.

I don’t think I am important enough to you to begin with

Because I’d win, don’t matter if competition is stiff

I would always win.

Hands tied, eyes closed, heart drowned... I would always win.

The essence of having the cake and eating it too

Or having the best of both worlds should never apply in matters of the heart.

True matters anyhow...

I huffed and puffed

I was angry

I smiled and bubbled

Slightly nervous

I weathered the picnic

My time would come

I started to worry

We were falling down again

I saw fleeting hope,

That the turn was for better

I soon fell to tears

It was not to be a fairytale.

23-Oct-09

it’s understandable

I was angry and ready for a fight until he called

Then my heart was again ready for flight, I started to fall

I was a nervous wreck by the end of week

Not sure whether to go down fighting or turn the other cheek

The excitement, I’m told, was all over my face

The emotion called love tends to blot out time and space

So when I saw him and smiled like I did

I let myself just bathe in the joy, back to being a kid

And afterwards when it came time to really talk

He took me down the incredibly difficult road he had to walk

The silence was intermittent and full of such pain

One would rather spend a night sleeping in the rain

You can only forgive and you can’t help but cry

That through his pain, he hardly even tried

Left outside The Circle to your own devices

Would you hold strong against all your friends’ advices?

The pieces are still fragile and yet to be mended

But I’m glad we spoke and made peace and no one pretended.

23-Oct-09

Living in our Babylon

We cannot exist together speaking two different languages

The pastor even said so

We cannot go on living as we do if I cannot understand you

You can’t read the language of my heart

And I can’t read from a distance so far apart.

You don’t hear the words of a scared woman

And I don’t hear, won’t hear the doubts if you don’t open your mouth to speak.

What path have you taken

And can it be mine?

You are all alone there and seem to be fine

And it worries me to notice

The pastor said understanding is a result of speech

So just how much silence will you keep

Before I give in and walk on by?

Before the tears begin to cry

Tell me something, tell me why?

We keep waiting and waiting for more words from me

Although I love you comes easily

Where is the proof that it’s not just words?

Simple to man

Like flying is to birds.

Talk to me now, to keep the peace

Saying anything at all to put me at ease.

14-Sept-09

Song: I haven’t seen my child in years… baby, baby come home.

Poem: across the seas of fish and whales

May drown out the echo of my wails

But Daddy’s little girl is growing

And daddy knows… oh he is aware

He just can’t be there

S: My heart is calling, calling, calling.

Baby, baby, come home.

P: a refugee in a foreign land

Three little girls and one grown man

In 1989, no one thought it would be just fine

And if they had…

Wouldn’t have known that it could be so bad

S: Blood, tears, rage and pain.

Dreams washed into… into the drain.

P: Daddy’s feelings rain over me in this morbid weather

She speaks aloud of love and influence

Not knowing how the cloth of my being is rent…

Torn between speaking now and deciding that they don’t know how

How being the only one is not always a gift

I have a story… you’re right, I do

But I can’t tell it when my soul’s in two

Could you?

How could you?

I am… one day you’ll see Baby Blue.

11-Dec-09

Song: I haven’t seen my child in years… baby, baby come home.

Poem: across the seas of fish and whales

May drown out the echo of my wails

But Daddy’s little girl is growing

And daddy knows… oh he is aware

He just can’t be there

S: My heart is calling, calling, calling.

Baby, baby, come home.

P: a refugee in a foreign land

Three little girls and one grown man

In 1989, no one thought it would be just fine

And if they had…

Wouldn’t have known that it could be so bad

S: Blood, tears, rage and pain.

Dreams washed into… into the drain.

P: Daddy’s feelings rain over me in this morbid weather

She speaks aloud of love and influence

Not knowing how the cloth of my being is rent…

Torn between speaking now and deciding that they don’t know how

How being the only one is not always a gift

I have a story… you’re right, I do

But I can’t tell it when my soul’s in two

Could you?

How could you?

I am… one day you’ll see Baby Blue.

11-Dec-09

I Give Up...

...do you?

In the wakes of hurricanes, the aftermath as evidenced on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

The house we built on that solid foundation has been wiped away like it was never created.

We stand here, facing the ruins and wonder, is it even worth trying again?

The pieces of our home still exist and the solid rock upon which we began, remains in tact

We stand here, facing the ruins and wonder, is it even worth trying again?

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

The wounds bled deep but the scars will eventually heal.

The tears shed as we fought and travailed to a victory that could only be called our own won't go uncounted

Having beaten down the opponents standing in our love's way, we stood on the ridge

and looked over all we'd been through, fought for, believed in

And where there should have been pride and peace, there was unrest and scorching doubts

about whether we had done the right thing... had we lost too much to gain what we wanted?

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

I sit alone in the dark. Alone where you left me.

The bright, hot African sun is shining today... but it's still dark.

How can my mind's I* possibly trudge through the bleak nothing that you left inside?

How can I possibly know up from down and back from front

when the light of my heart has been doused by the torrent of my own tears?

The doubts now pounce where they never dared leave a shadow

The voices shout their heralds where they never even had a court

Surely, there is something I can do to bring us back to... us. Bring you and I back to us

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

Shuttered and revealing nothing. Like the house, if we had prepared for the storm.

Growing greener and fresher everyday. Like the field would when the trampled sprouts spring back and the blood dries.

Silence reigns and my thoughts are still.

Put on a smile and give the rest of me to the world that needs me.

In the wake of hurricanes, the air is still and heavy. Weighing upon your chest like the guilt of regret.

The aftermath on deserted battlefields... blood, sweat and tears wasted on the dead, gone and forgotten lovers.

In the recesses of my mind, I search for the answers. Where we went wrong and how the hell I missed the signs.

The results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted are tears and trembling lips. When is it enough, when should we keep trying?

We made it through the storm, we managed through the fight... and then we fell.

The strength of my mind and all my love couldn't hold me up

I tried to hold on, grasping at straws as I drowned in my own misery.

Choking on tears so thick, I failed to speak- reserving my energy for the survival of the 'we' I always cherished

But I'm saying it now.

I give up.

Do you?

In the wake of hurricanes, families help each other put the pieces back together and the building begins again

In the aftermath on deserted battlefields, soldiers carry each other to the barracks to find strength in numbers and get ready for the next encounter

In the recesses of my mind, I still hear you say the words 'I love you' with a gentleness that stilled my soul...

The results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted, when their pleas are unanswered. In their words, devoid now of any happiness, apart from anything akin to hope.

I give up.