What's Changed

You used to ask who I was talking to when it wasn’t you

You once said it would be good if we greeted each other even if we didn’t feel like it

You used to say you had so much love to give and you just wanted someone to give it to

I know you said you were quiet but you didn’t say we would never talk

I know you have a business to run and you have lots of work to do, but am I that insignificant?

I never thought I could be forgotten or ignored by someone who said they love me too much to lose me

You once said you love me too much to let me go

You once said 'Trust has to be earned…' is this how you build it?

You once said we are where I want us to be

You once said that I’m the girl you want to center your world around

You once said I rock your world and that the thought of losing me was a nightmare

You once told me I was perfect for you

In I fell

He consumes my energy in a brief instant…

because truthfully I was fine until I saw him today.

The desire to run away is so great.

The desire to cry is overwhelming.

The despair is indescribable.

Because I am quite sure I don’t matter to him…

as much as I wish it wasn’t so.

The words he wove and draped my very broken soul with were meaningless to him and he has probably traded them for something way easier to handle.

I regret being so complex. I hate being so gullible in a game I lost faith and trust in years ago. But I wanted to believe him. And I wanted to be with the right one this time.

So in I fell and hard I landed.

Don't Be That Girl

The hollow echoes inside my mind

And threatens to fill my heart.

Leaving me empty and without a doubt

That my joy is so far from near.

There’s nothing I can say to myself that will make the time go easier

There nothing I can do to get rid of you or the memories you have branded on my mind

Someone said to day that it’s okay to be sad when you’re sad.

I know.

But how about when you’re almost mad that you’re sad because all you wanted was a “lousy letter or a call”

If he had just ended things like a mature adult, you wouldn’t want anything at all.

But since he didn’t you leave that blasted door open

Inside you know you’re wishin and hopin.

For the rest of my life

I will remember you

You left me near empty

With no hope to refuel

You cracked at my veneer

Until I showed you all my fears.

You dared me to love

To believe your words and trust

To lay my heart down

Like my throat at the guillotine

Vulnerable to you

As naked as the day I joined the world

Then you decided after wooing and reviewing me.

You chose not to make me that girl

Who completed who you were as you went off to conquer the world

Even after the wounds close and the bruises heal

I will remember you

Your words, those songs, the things you left unsaid

Are a chorus of reminders

Played inside my head.

I am that invisible girl

No one knows who I am

And no one knows what I am capable of.

I show them- I can show them- but no one really sees

Never really sees the value of me.

The true worth of my words

I’m speaking on mute… might as well be, speaking to you.

Any of you.

Slowly erased from conscious living

No longer a useful, conscious being

Because everything I say can fade

There’s nothing noteworthy in the way I behave because it will quickly be erased.

The cacophony around me does nothing for my concussion and

Clearly reminds me that mine is a solo discussion

There I am in that crowded room- hoping of course that I do and don’t bump into you-

Not really expecting much

Content to be the unseen wonder in the room.

My thoughts are loud enough

And yet empty of real substance.

It’s okay for me to sit alone,

I want to be the one in the invisible cloak

Resplendent in myself and yet left to my own devices.

It is in my own company that I have no fears about how to act.

No qualms at all about that

The only time I know what to expect, when it’s only me in my debt.

Same old song, but different verse.

I move through life even though it hurts

Because I am still waiting for you

To deliver the dream you sold me.

The pitch and demonstration were more than temptation

You played a role and sold my soul

Right from beneath my heart.

But now the product is falling apart

The record has run out of space.

Same old song yes, I’m still searching for your face

And for you to take your place,

In my heart,

The place all the best songs start. 

Heaven’s rain, he called it

If not for the ring, she’d have fallen

Head over heels, right then and there

She prayed he couldn’t see it

When she said she couldn’t believe it

Because what she wanted was that touch

If it showed, she prayed not too much

With tingling skin she longed to begin a whole different journey

Lord, she was yearning for that kiss

Would her life be the same without that bliss?

Taking a deep breath, with the only sanity she had left

She smiled while clasping his hand

Regretting, as she stood up, that she didn’t have that kind of man

Just walk away, she told herself as she did just that

Forget the verbal seduction and don’t you dare look back

You know that’s what he wants from you- to get you in that place

Where one body finds another merging with more passion than grace

That rain would make you shiver

And heavens would hear your cries

If he got where he wanted to be

Right between your thighs

Just close the door behind you girl

It’s only trouble there

Fine he’d make your toes curl

And he’d caress you hair…

And at the table where she left him

Her touch still tingled on his skin

He knew he’d long for her

It was more than just a whim.

who will not judge me?

No consolation, no comfort

No touch

No love

Only heaps of hot red blame

Blame

Blame

Blame

I don’t think you deserve me right now.

I can see where this will lead and I don’t think- in fact I know- that I won’t be the rebound girl, so you’ll find another plaything and the cycle will continue. I must find it in myself to reject you and all your beautiful.

I don’t think I deserve you right now.

I have been presented with knights in shining armour and lords with the wealth of nations,

Surely I don’t believe I deserve an impoverished heart?

It is not about the money, but the state and wealth of your being...

You have spent your last cent in a two-bit relationship whereas I would have brought my plentiful dowry to your feet and offered you all I am and can be.

I don’t think we are in the same world.

But don’t I deserve happiness?

Don’t you deserve it too?

You won’t find it where you are looking...

You’re in the wrong house again my dear.

Looking into the double-storey with the fireplace blazing and yet you are in the shack next door- oh so far but very, very near.

You don’t think you deserve me either.

If I am to be completely honest, this is true.

You seek for moments of hot gratification and hope to hold onto me while you sift through your hormones until all that is left is your heart and its clear message, whatever that may be.

I can see glimpses of the great love you could and can be, but you see me as the long haul kind of girl and therefore relegate me to a sideline post where I can be your cheerleader and medic and pep talker when needed... you’ll always find a reason to need me for a little while before jumping back in the field of action.

And I don’t think I deserve that.

He came to me, looking like he was supposed to and that meant, things were back to normal... my heart filled with sadness and I let him go before I even said hello.

Good bye sexy one...

I hope you have a great time with the freak of nature’s best game. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re not so much the same

Or that you’d rather be gay

Or maybe that you’d rather have stayed with me anyway.

You told me that you weren’t looking for a relationship and then turn around and pick her so I hope she makes you glad

and that you never wonder about what we never had

And yet on the other hand, I hope that in the woes of passion, you embrace her and pull in her for a kiss and the bar on your tongue

Hooks to the ring on her lip and it burns and stings the way your quick choice stung

I hope to untangle yourselves you rip out the ring, disfiguring the face you chose over mine

And your tongue starts to bleed and maybe she gives you an STD

Because that is the only way I won’t let you come back to me.

What am I saying, that isn’t the only way! But it is a very good reason

That and that you committed relationship treason

And I don’t look back

Not for you, not for anyone.

Goodbye sexy one...

If I had the capacity to relay my thoughts verbatim,

You’d see everything that my heart keeps hidden.

I keep thinking and thinking

And with every thought my heart is sinking.

I don’t think I am important enough to you to begin with

Because I’d win, don’t matter if competition is stiff

I would always win.

Hands tied, eyes closed, heart drowned... I would always win.

The essence of having the cake and eating it too

Or having the best of both worlds should never apply in matters of the heart.

True matters anyhow...

I huffed and puffed

I was angry

I smiled and bubbled

Slightly nervous

I weathered the picnic

My time would come

I started to worry

We were falling down again

I saw fleeting hope,

That the turn was for better

I soon fell to tears

It was not to be a fairytale.

23-Oct-09

I Give Up...

...do you?

In the wakes of hurricanes, the aftermath as evidenced on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

The house we built on that solid foundation has been wiped away like it was never created.

We stand here, facing the ruins and wonder, is it even worth trying again?

The pieces of our home still exist and the solid rock upon which we began, remains in tact

We stand here, facing the ruins and wonder, is it even worth trying again?

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

The wounds bled deep but the scars will eventually heal.

The tears shed as we fought and travailed to a victory that could only be called our own won't go uncounted

Having beaten down the opponents standing in our love's way, we stood on the ridge

and looked over all we'd been through, fought for, believed in

And where there should have been pride and peace, there was unrest and scorching doubts

about whether we had done the right thing... had we lost too much to gain what we wanted?

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

I sit alone in the dark. Alone where you left me.

The bright, hot African sun is shining today... but it's still dark.

How can my mind's I* possibly trudge through the bleak nothing that you left inside?

How can I possibly know up from down and back from front

when the light of my heart has been doused by the torrent of my own tears?

The doubts now pounce where they never dared leave a shadow

The voices shout their heralds where they never even had a court

Surely, there is something I can do to bring us back to... us. Bring you and I back to us

In the wake of hurricanes, the aftermath on deserted battlefields...

In the recesses of my mind, the results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted.

Shuttered and revealing nothing. Like the house, if we had prepared for the storm.

Growing greener and fresher everyday. Like the field would when the trampled sprouts spring back and the blood dries.

Silence reigns and my thoughts are still.

Put on a smile and give the rest of me to the world that needs me.

In the wake of hurricanes, the air is still and heavy. Weighing upon your chest like the guilt of regret.

The aftermath on deserted battlefields... blood, sweat and tears wasted on the dead, gone and forgotten lovers.

In the recesses of my mind, I search for the answers. Where we went wrong and how the hell I missed the signs.

The results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted are tears and trembling lips. When is it enough, when should we keep trying?

We made it through the storm, we managed through the fight... and then we fell.

The strength of my mind and all my love couldn't hold me up

I tried to hold on, grasping at straws as I drowned in my own misery.

Choking on tears so thick, I failed to speak- reserving my energy for the survival of the 'we' I always cherished

But I'm saying it now.

I give up.

Do you?

In the wake of hurricanes, families help each other put the pieces back together and the building begins again

In the aftermath on deserted battlefields, soldiers carry each other to the barracks to find strength in numbers and get ready for the next encounter

In the recesses of my mind, I still hear you say the words 'I love you' with a gentleness that stilled my soul...

The results as evidenced on the face of the brokenhearted, when their pleas are unanswered. In their words, devoid now of any happiness, apart from anything akin to hope.

I give up.