I too want something wonderful
like the warmth of his heart
shining in his eyes
and the depth of his love
in those lengthy goodbyes.
An ending that never comes
in the wonders of true love.

I feel as though you owe me something
And yet I honestly want nothing from you.
I'm clear on what I deserve,
what is possible
You were and are not it.
You make the most sense of everything I've ever experienced
but you left me the most confused
Because you went all out gave it everything
and left me spent and empty.
In the split moment of eternity
you filled me up with all I needed
and that's what I'll take away.
That little piece of nothing was enough.

Talking about you still hurts. I can say it calmly, but it makes me start looking for you all over again. You are my inexplicable, my mystery.

I Wish These Thoughts on No One

What if you’ve just lost the greatest thing that could have ever happened to you?

Too afraid to make a decision. Too scared to make a commitment. Too unsure of your own feelings that you let everything slip through your fingers… 

That feels like me right now. My hands are shaking and it my mind is racing.

The conversation went downhill so fast… and I knew it was headed there before he even caught on to where we were going. He didn’t mean for it to go that way and I know I didn’t want for it to go there… the feeling of 'uneasy' came in way before he told me anything. And. It. Just. Got. Worse.

He didn’t ask me what I wanted. He didn’t ask me what he could give me. He asked me what I had learnt… I don’t think I gave him the right answer. When is the absolute truth ever the right answer?!

Maybe this is for the best.

Or maybe this is just…

What if you’ve just lost the greatest man that could have ever loved you?

Vicious Cycles

I brought the trash back into the house.

I had dusted all the windows

Wiped down all the surfaces and they were starting to get their shine back.

I had vacuumed every nook and cranny

I had recovered all the beds and scrubbed all the tubs

I had laundered the linen

Polished the silver

Made myself ready for your arrival

And then I brought the trash back into the house.

What's Changed

You used to ask who I was talking to when it wasn’t you

You once said it would be good if we greeted each other even if we didn’t feel like it

You used to say you had so much love to give and you just wanted someone to give it to

I know you said you were quiet but you didn’t say we would never talk

I know you have a business to run and you have lots of work to do, but am I that insignificant?

I never thought I could be forgotten or ignored by someone who said they love me too much to lose me

You once said you love me too much to let me go

You once said 'Trust has to be earned…' is this how you build it?

You once said we are where I want us to be

You once said that I’m the girl you want to center your world around

You once said I rock your world and that the thought of losing me was a nightmare

You once told me I was perfect for you

In I fell

He consumes my energy in a brief instant…

because truthfully I was fine until I saw him today.

The desire to run away is so great.

The desire to cry is overwhelming.

The despair is indescribable.

Because I am quite sure I don’t matter to him…

as much as I wish it wasn’t so.

The words he wove and draped my very broken soul with were meaningless to him and he has probably traded them for something way easier to handle.

I regret being so complex. I hate being so gullible in a game I lost faith and trust in years ago. But I wanted to believe him. And I wanted to be with the right one this time.

So in I fell and hard I landed.

Excuse Me Please, Dear Reader

In the coming weeks, I will be posting something that isn't always poetry. That statement is both a warning and an apology. I'm honored to share life with you through the verses I've posted in the past, and now I have considered adding something I might call ramblings.

Feel free to tell me what you think :)

Same old song, but different verse.

I move through life even though it hurts

Because I am still waiting for you

To deliver the dream you sold me.

The pitch and demonstration were more than temptation

You played a role and sold my soul

Right from beneath my heart.

But now the product is falling apart

The record has run out of space.

Same old song yes, I’m still searching for your face

And for you to take your place,

In my heart,

The place all the best songs start. 

To protect my heart

I will let my ego grow…

Who I am will be made more important than what you’ve done.

No one will ever know.

I said, I am more important than what you’ve done;

Replaced my soul with “baby you’re the one”.

Now I’ve crawled out of the hole of your dark lies

And my God has already redeemed with the gift of sacrifice.

So who is this that I Am… the godly in me

Whose boundless love wanted to set you free

Who forgave all those trespasses

to try and make this love last, this

Being who is always here,

to destroy your doubts and ease your fears

The one who gives everything- everything!-

when you’re feeling the least

The battle fighting, passion igniting, faithful, abiding… one.

I Am.

I said, I will make My God greater than what you’ve done.

My ego, the perfection of my identity

The flawlessness that makes me a unique entity

Who I Am is what He sees in me

The greatness of Christ clothing me so perfectly

A broken heart is one that cannot mend.

You simply hope to plant a new seed

and watch it grow again.

You fertilize it with patience and love,

fill it with honour and the Word from above.

Shade it from hatred and the showers of venom.

Protect it from trespassers and all it might run from

like the thief in the night who once left it shattered

Inflated it with bogus dreams and lied that she mattered.

Don’t let that heart grow in the same kind of greenhouse

Don’t let that heart go off alone

where predators choose to roam.

Once you’ve tended it and her treasured worth is found out

Let the one who planted seed remind her just which arms are [her] home.

Not So Young Today

My eyes often burn
My hands shake, but not too much
My back aches and is never settled
The body I once knew is fading away
My hair has long since begun to turn grey
You would think I'm old

Still in my prime and yet so far from what I desire
to be

Vibrant and happy
Fresh and unafraid
Strong and on top of the world.

Listen to me talk...
Watch my labored walk...
I sigh like I've seen and been through it all...
I have loved and lived enough for a hundred lifetimes...
I have learnt lessons and have the scars of all my burns...

If you didnt already know who I am,
You would think I'm old

who will not judge me?

No consolation, no comfort

No touch

No love

Only heaps of hot red blame

Blame

Blame

Blame

Oh, Music

Have you ever listened to a song... with one ear vaguely on the lyrics... the noise of the notes and the music is enough to make you want to sigh. And cry.

And then you play back and everything you thought in the first instance is exactly what the song is.

It’s heartbreaking and speaks right into your own heart.

And you want to laugh and smile because music has finally been written for your life, but you want to wail at the same time- or at least let tears slip silently down your face because that’s what’s happening on the inside.

If there was ever hope

Ever love

Ever broken hearts

Ever happiness

Oh music, you have spoken it to me as if you were in my head

The word giddy comes to mind because you excite me in more ways than one. I am so happy in your company and I enjoy the feel of you against me. The light in your eyes when you look at me.

I don’t think you deserve me right now.

I can see where this will lead and I don’t think- in fact I know- that I won’t be the rebound girl, so you’ll find another plaything and the cycle will continue. I must find it in myself to reject you and all your beautiful.

I don’t think I deserve you right now.

I have been presented with knights in shining armour and lords with the wealth of nations,

Surely I don’t believe I deserve an impoverished heart?

It is not about the money, but the state and wealth of your being...

You have spent your last cent in a two-bit relationship whereas I would have brought my plentiful dowry to your feet and offered you all I am and can be.

I don’t think we are in the same world.

But don’t I deserve happiness?

Don’t you deserve it too?

You won’t find it where you are looking...

You’re in the wrong house again my dear.

Looking into the double-storey with the fireplace blazing and yet you are in the shack next door- oh so far but very, very near.

You don’t think you deserve me either.

If I am to be completely honest, this is true.

You seek for moments of hot gratification and hope to hold onto me while you sift through your hormones until all that is left is your heart and its clear message, whatever that may be.

I can see glimpses of the great love you could and can be, but you see me as the long haul kind of girl and therefore relegate me to a sideline post where I can be your cheerleader and medic and pep talker when needed... you’ll always find a reason to need me for a little while before jumping back in the field of action.

And I don’t think I deserve that.

He came to me, looking like he was supposed to and that meant, things were back to normal... my heart filled with sadness and I let him go before I even said hello.

Good bye sexy one...

I hope you have a great time with the freak of nature’s best game. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re not so much the same

Or that you’d rather be gay

Or maybe that you’d rather have stayed with me anyway.

You told me that you weren’t looking for a relationship and then turn around and pick her so I hope she makes you glad

and that you never wonder about what we never had

And yet on the other hand, I hope that in the woes of passion, you embrace her and pull in her for a kiss and the bar on your tongue

Hooks to the ring on her lip and it burns and stings the way your quick choice stung

I hope to untangle yourselves you rip out the ring, disfiguring the face you chose over mine

And your tongue starts to bleed and maybe she gives you an STD

Because that is the only way I won’t let you come back to me.

What am I saying, that isn’t the only way! But it is a very good reason

That and that you committed relationship treason

And I don’t look back

Not for you, not for anyone.

Goodbye sexy one...

If I had the capacity to relay my thoughts verbatim,

You’d see everything that my heart keeps hidden.

I keep thinking and thinking

And with every thought my heart is sinking.

I don’t think I am important enough to you to begin with

Because I’d win, don’t matter if competition is stiff

I would always win.

Hands tied, eyes closed, heart drowned... I would always win.

The essence of having the cake and eating it too

Or having the best of both worlds should never apply in matters of the heart.

True matters anyhow...

Hosanna on highest

To the Mighty and finest

Who reigns in my ‘dom in eon and age

Great in action and on page

For chronicles have been written

And all hearts should be smitten

For the King is more than just one

A trinity with the Spirit and the Son

Who gave His earthly life

In painful sacrifice

As at the time He was an equal

And not Himself on high… regal

And bow on knee, bended thus

Give all praise, it is a must

For you and me:

We wouldn’t be

If not for Him

All things perfect… all is He.

26-Sept-09

How can a touch drive someone mad?

Weak in the head but strong in the mind…

I know what I want and I know what I must find

In the man of my dreams

Quick to make me laugh and of quality: supreme

How can your heart not break?

Working with the folks I do…

Each is much more broken than you

And yet they smile and sing and jump for the gifts you bring

How can she live with so many men around her?

He’d have to be strong, the one she found her

For a lesser mortal couldn’t do it…

Wouldn’t be able to find where he fit…

She just wants to be happy then?

Yes, surrounded by loved ones and friends

Able to give joy where she finds sorrow

Able to offer a plan for tomorrow

She has a lot of names

And often gets caught in endless games

But her head’s screwed on right

And she knows when to fight

And when to let it go

When to cry

And when not to let her feelings show…

15-Sept-09