What's Changed

You used to ask who I was talking to when it wasn’t you

You once said it would be good if we greeted each other even if we didn’t feel like it

You used to say you had so much love to give and you just wanted someone to give it to

I know you said you were quiet but you didn’t say we would never talk

I know you have a business to run and you have lots of work to do, but am I that insignificant?

I never thought I could be forgotten or ignored by someone who said they love me too much to lose me

You once said you love me too much to let me go

You once said 'Trust has to be earned…' is this how you build it?

You once said we are where I want us to be

You once said that I’m the girl you want to center your world around

You once said I rock your world and that the thought of losing me was a nightmare

You once told me I was perfect for you

In I fell

He consumes my energy in a brief instant…

because truthfully I was fine until I saw him today.

The desire to run away is so great.

The desire to cry is overwhelming.

The despair is indescribable.

Because I am quite sure I don’t matter to him…

as much as I wish it wasn’t so.

The words he wove and draped my very broken soul with were meaningless to him and he has probably traded them for something way easier to handle.

I regret being so complex. I hate being so gullible in a game I lost faith and trust in years ago. But I wanted to believe him. And I wanted to be with the right one this time.

So in I fell and hard I landed.

Don't Be That Girl

The hollow echoes inside my mind

And threatens to fill my heart.

Leaving me empty and without a doubt

That my joy is so far from near.

There’s nothing I can say to myself that will make the time go easier

There nothing I can do to get rid of you or the memories you have branded on my mind

Someone said to day that it’s okay to be sad when you’re sad.

I know.

But how about when you’re almost mad that you’re sad because all you wanted was a “lousy letter or a call”

If he had just ended things like a mature adult, you wouldn’t want anything at all.

But since he didn’t you leave that blasted door open

Inside you know you’re wishin and hopin.

For the rest of my life

I will remember you

You left me near empty

With no hope to refuel

You cracked at my veneer

Until I showed you all my fears.

You dared me to love

To believe your words and trust

To lay my heart down

Like my throat at the guillotine

Vulnerable to you

As naked as the day I joined the world

Then you decided after wooing and reviewing me.

You chose not to make me that girl

Who completed who you were as you went off to conquer the world

Even after the wounds close and the bruises heal

I will remember you

Your words, those songs, the things you left unsaid

Are a chorus of reminders

Played inside my head.

I am that invisible girl

No one knows who I am

And no one knows what I am capable of.

I show them- I can show them- but no one really sees

Never really sees the value of me.

The true worth of my words

I’m speaking on mute… might as well be, speaking to you.

Any of you.

Slowly erased from conscious living

No longer a useful, conscious being

Because everything I say can fade

There’s nothing noteworthy in the way I behave because it will quickly be erased.

The cacophony around me does nothing for my concussion and

Clearly reminds me that mine is a solo discussion

There I am in that crowded room- hoping of course that I do and don’t bump into you-

Not really expecting much

Content to be the unseen wonder in the room.

My thoughts are loud enough

And yet empty of real substance.

It’s okay for me to sit alone,

I want to be the one in the invisible cloak

Resplendent in myself and yet left to my own devices.

It is in my own company that I have no fears about how to act.

No qualms at all about that

The only time I know what to expect, when it’s only me in my debt.

Feeling… fatigue, weary and a little bit mind-screwed.

Faith withstands the defeat and keeps my mind moving

I have reasons to live, I have a drive of my own

But I wasn’t designed to be alone.

Sleep Walk

A part of me knows this drifting
is unhealthy.
A part of me knows that I'm bleeding out inside.
The part of me sleep walking knows how to look just fine.

No one has to knowing I'm
dying
No one has to see my undeniable pain
I'll just act like I have an umbrella as I travel through the rain.