I too want something wonderful
like the warmth of his heart
shining in his eyes
and the depth of his love
in those lengthy goodbyes.
An ending that never comes
in the wonders of true love.

My eyes are tired of watching you
My tongue is tired of wanting you
My heart is longing for something new
Of...
Twitter
Chocolate
Love

I feel as though you owe me something
And yet I honestly want nothing from you.
I'm clear on what I deserve,
what is possible
You were and are not it.
You make the most sense of everything I've ever experienced
but you left me the most confused
Because you went all out gave it everything
and left me spent and empty.
In the split moment of eternity
you filled me up with all I needed
and that's what I'll take away.
That little piece of nothing was enough.

Vicious Cycles

I brought the trash back into the house.

I had dusted all the windows

Wiped down all the surfaces and they were starting to get their shine back.

I had vacuumed every nook and cranny

I had recovered all the beds and scrubbed all the tubs

I had laundered the linen

Polished the silver

Made myself ready for your arrival

And then I brought the trash back into the house.

Cleansing Tears

Cleansing tears wash regret down my face

Where they dry and leave a dark trace

 Of the pain you walked me to the edge of

And left me at to ponder

Oh if only I’d been stronger.

Strong enough to fight for you

Something I wish I’d done but cannot do

Strong enough to endure your struggle

But the silence was so loud my mind was muddled

About what to do and how to help

So my place in your life is now a trophy on a shelf.

A trophy with no names carved like notches on the bedpost

The love I have and long to share isn’t even what I wanted to give you most

You’ll never know the fire’s heat that was meant for you and I

We’ll never rush from passion roar to lovers’ sated sigh.

Cleansing tears wash down face

And hope they can erase

All that you once promised me

Binding my heart, walking free.

Don't Be That Girl

The hollow echoes inside my mind

And threatens to fill my heart.

Leaving me empty and without a doubt

That my joy is so far from near.

There’s nothing I can say to myself that will make the time go easier

There nothing I can do to get rid of you or the memories you have branded on my mind

Someone said to day that it’s okay to be sad when you’re sad.

I know.

But how about when you’re almost mad that you’re sad because all you wanted was a “lousy letter or a call”

If he had just ended things like a mature adult, you wouldn’t want anything at all.

But since he didn’t you leave that blasted door open

Inside you know you’re wishin and hopin.

I have no real reason not to love you

As if distance could kill my heart

If I were to wish anything at all

It would be that we’d never come apart

For the rest of my life

I will remember you

You left me near empty

With no hope to refuel

You cracked at my veneer

Until I showed you all my fears.

You dared me to love

To believe your words and trust

To lay my heart down

Like my throat at the guillotine

Vulnerable to you

As naked as the day I joined the world

Then you decided after wooing and reviewing me.

You chose not to make me that girl

Who completed who you were as you went off to conquer the world

Even after the wounds close and the bruises heal

I will remember you

Your words, those songs, the things you left unsaid

Are a chorus of reminders

Played inside my head.

Whispers, Stutters

Is my love determined by how my heart flutters?

Or is it the way my mind stutters?

Or the warmth in my tummy, much like melted butter?

Will it one day cease to be this loud shout and fade to a useless mutter?

So in love my eyes hurt

Searching for you everywhere, even in my dreams.

So in love my teeth hurt

Clenching my jaw to avoid crying out your name.

Showing my teeth so that everyone will think

I’m still the same

Not knowing how much I’ve changed

Been changed by you

So in love my heart hurts

So full it’s about to burst

Overflowing and splitting at the seams

And the only place we share it is in my dreams.

I am that invisible girl

No one knows who I am

And no one knows what I am capable of.

I show them- I can show them- but no one really sees

Never really sees the value of me.

The true worth of my words

I’m speaking on mute… might as well be, speaking to you.

Any of you.

Slowly erased from conscious living

No longer a useful, conscious being

Because everything I say can fade

There’s nothing noteworthy in the way I behave because it will quickly be erased.

The cacophony around me does nothing for my concussion and

Clearly reminds me that mine is a solo discussion

There I am in that crowded room- hoping of course that I do and don’t bump into you-

Not really expecting much

Content to be the unseen wonder in the room.

My thoughts are loud enough

And yet empty of real substance.

It’s okay for me to sit alone,

I want to be the one in the invisible cloak

Resplendent in myself and yet left to my own devices.

It is in my own company that I have no fears about how to act.

No qualms at all about that

The only time I know what to expect, when it’s only me in my debt.

Same old song, but different verse.

I move through life even though it hurts

Because I am still waiting for you

To deliver the dream you sold me.

The pitch and demonstration were more than temptation

You played a role and sold my soul

Right from beneath my heart.

But now the product is falling apart

The record has run out of space.

Same old song yes, I’m still searching for your face

And for you to take your place,

In my heart,

The place all the best songs start. 

Feeling… fatigue, weary and a little bit mind-screwed.

Faith withstands the defeat and keeps my mind moving

I have reasons to live, I have a drive of my own

But I wasn’t designed to be alone.

To protect my heart

I will let my ego grow…

Who I am will be made more important than what you’ve done.

No one will ever know.

I said, I am more important than what you’ve done;

Replaced my soul with “baby you’re the one”.

Now I’ve crawled out of the hole of your dark lies

And my God has already redeemed with the gift of sacrifice.

So who is this that I Am… the godly in me

Whose boundless love wanted to set you free

Who forgave all those trespasses

to try and make this love last, this

Being who is always here,

to destroy your doubts and ease your fears

The one who gives everything- everything!-

when you’re feeling the least

The battle fighting, passion igniting, faithful, abiding… one.

I Am.

I said, I will make My God greater than what you’ve done.

My ego, the perfection of my identity

The flawlessness that makes me a unique entity

Who I Am is what He sees in me

The greatness of Christ clothing me so perfectly

A broken heart is one that cannot mend.

You simply hope to plant a new seed

and watch it grow again.

You fertilize it with patience and love,

fill it with honour and the Word from above.

Shade it from hatred and the showers of venom.

Protect it from trespassers and all it might run from

like the thief in the night who once left it shattered

Inflated it with bogus dreams and lied that she mattered.

Don’t let that heart grow in the same kind of greenhouse

Don’t let that heart go off alone

where predators choose to roam.

Once you’ve tended it and her treasured worth is found out

Let the one who planted seed remind her just which arms are [her] home.

His definition of love is deeper

And he has driven deep into her depths to find it

Showered in the blessings of the gods

He unearthed a purer form of connection

Unafraid to bare his soul

He exchanged this human form of barely anything

For the heaven’s rush and cupid’s rain

Washing away the skepticism of the times

Leaving him with a clean, open heart with which to drink her in.

The word giddy comes to mind because you excite me in more ways than one. I am so happy in your company and I enjoy the feel of you against me. The light in your eyes when you look at me.

I don’t think you deserve me right now.

I can see where this will lead and I don’t think- in fact I know- that I won’t be the rebound girl, so you’ll find another plaything and the cycle will continue. I must find it in myself to reject you and all your beautiful.

I don’t think I deserve you right now.

I have been presented with knights in shining armour and lords with the wealth of nations,

Surely I don’t believe I deserve an impoverished heart?

It is not about the money, but the state and wealth of your being...

You have spent your last cent in a two-bit relationship whereas I would have brought my plentiful dowry to your feet and offered you all I am and can be.

I don’t think we are in the same world.

But don’t I deserve happiness?

Don’t you deserve it too?

You won’t find it where you are looking...

You’re in the wrong house again my dear.

Looking into the double-storey with the fireplace blazing and yet you are in the shack next door- oh so far but very, very near.

You don’t think you deserve me either.

If I am to be completely honest, this is true.

You seek for moments of hot gratification and hope to hold onto me while you sift through your hormones until all that is left is your heart and its clear message, whatever that may be.

I can see glimpses of the great love you could and can be, but you see me as the long haul kind of girl and therefore relegate me to a sideline post where I can be your cheerleader and medic and pep talker when needed... you’ll always find a reason to need me for a little while before jumping back in the field of action.

And I don’t think I deserve that.

He came to me, looking like he was supposed to and that meant, things were back to normal... my heart filled with sadness and I let him go before I even said hello.

Good bye sexy one...

I hope you have a great time with the freak of nature’s best game. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re not so much the same

Or that you’d rather be gay

Or maybe that you’d rather have stayed with me anyway.

You told me that you weren’t looking for a relationship and then turn around and pick her so I hope she makes you glad

and that you never wonder about what we never had

And yet on the other hand, I hope that in the woes of passion, you embrace her and pull in her for a kiss and the bar on your tongue

Hooks to the ring on her lip and it burns and stings the way your quick choice stung

I hope to untangle yourselves you rip out the ring, disfiguring the face you chose over mine

And your tongue starts to bleed and maybe she gives you an STD

Because that is the only way I won’t let you come back to me.

What am I saying, that isn’t the only way! But it is a very good reason

That and that you committed relationship treason

And I don’t look back

Not for you, not for anyone.

Goodbye sexy one...

If I had the capacity to relay my thoughts verbatim,

You’d see everything that my heart keeps hidden.

I keep thinking and thinking

And with every thought my heart is sinking.

I don’t think I am important enough to you to begin with

Because I’d win, don’t matter if competition is stiff

I would always win.

Hands tied, eyes closed, heart drowned... I would always win.

The essence of having the cake and eating it too

Or having the best of both worlds should never apply in matters of the heart.

True matters anyhow...