I too want something wonderful
like the warmth of his heart
shining in his eyes
and the depth of his love
in those lengthy goodbyes.
An ending that never comes
in the wonders of true love.

My eyes are tired of watching you
My tongue is tired of wanting you
My heart is longing for something new
Of...
Twitter
Chocolate
Love

I feel as though you owe me something
And yet I honestly want nothing from you.
I'm clear on what I deserve,
what is possible
You were and are not it.
You make the most sense of everything I've ever experienced
but you left me the most confused
Because you went all out gave it everything
and left me spent and empty.
In the split moment of eternity
you filled me up with all I needed
and that's what I'll take away.
That little piece of nothing was enough.

Cleansing Tears

Cleansing tears wash regret down my face

Where they dry and leave a dark trace

 Of the pain you walked me to the edge of

And left me at to ponder

Oh if only I’d been stronger.

Strong enough to fight for you

Something I wish I’d done but cannot do

Strong enough to endure your struggle

But the silence was so loud my mind was muddled

About what to do and how to help

So my place in your life is now a trophy on a shelf.

A trophy with no names carved like notches on the bedpost

The love I have and long to share isn’t even what I wanted to give you most

You’ll never know the fire’s heat that was meant for you and I

We’ll never rush from passion roar to lovers’ sated sigh.

Cleansing tears wash down face

And hope they can erase

All that you once promised me

Binding my heart, walking free.

I have no real reason not to love you

As if distance could kill my heart

If I were to wish anything at all

It would be that we’d never come apart

Whispers, Stutters

Is my love determined by how my heart flutters?

Or is it the way my mind stutters?

Or the warmth in my tummy, much like melted butter?

Will it one day cease to be this loud shout and fade to a useless mutter?

So in love my eyes hurt

Searching for you everywhere, even in my dreams.

So in love my teeth hurt

Clenching my jaw to avoid crying out your name.

Showing my teeth so that everyone will think

I’m still the same

Not knowing how much I’ve changed

Been changed by you

So in love my heart hurts

So full it’s about to burst

Overflowing and splitting at the seams

And the only place we share it is in my dreams.

Concussed

Shacked, restrained within myself

Longing to do more than is defined by my health

Come morning, the same routine

Can’t jump or dance

Can’t do anything

I am that invisible girl

No one knows who I am

And no one knows what I am capable of.

I show them- I can show them- but no one really sees

Never really sees the value of me.

The true worth of my words

I’m speaking on mute… might as well be, speaking to you.

Any of you.

Slowly erased from conscious living

No longer a useful, conscious being

Because everything I say can fade

There’s nothing noteworthy in the way I behave because it will quickly be erased.

The cacophony around me does nothing for my concussion and

Clearly reminds me that mine is a solo discussion

There I am in that crowded room- hoping of course that I do and don’t bump into you-

Not really expecting much

Content to be the unseen wonder in the room.

My thoughts are loud enough

And yet empty of real substance.

It’s okay for me to sit alone,

I want to be the one in the invisible cloak

Resplendent in myself and yet left to my own devices.

It is in my own company that I have no fears about how to act.

No qualms at all about that

The only time I know what to expect, when it’s only me in my debt.

Same old song, but different verse.

I move through life even though it hurts

Because I am still waiting for you

To deliver the dream you sold me.

The pitch and demonstration were more than temptation

You played a role and sold my soul

Right from beneath my heart.

But now the product is falling apart

The record has run out of space.

Same old song yes, I’m still searching for your face

And for you to take your place,

In my heart,

The place all the best songs start. 

To protect my heart

I will let my ego grow…

Who I am will be made more important than what you’ve done.

No one will ever know.

I said, I am more important than what you’ve done;

Replaced my soul with “baby you’re the one”.

Now I’ve crawled out of the hole of your dark lies

And my God has already redeemed with the gift of sacrifice.

So who is this that I Am… the godly in me

Whose boundless love wanted to set you free

Who forgave all those trespasses

to try and make this love last, this

Being who is always here,

to destroy your doubts and ease your fears

The one who gives everything- everything!-

when you’re feeling the least

The battle fighting, passion igniting, faithful, abiding… one.

I Am.

I said, I will make My God greater than what you’ve done.

My ego, the perfection of my identity

The flawlessness that makes me a unique entity

Who I Am is what He sees in me

The greatness of Christ clothing me so perfectly

A broken heart is one that cannot mend.

You simply hope to plant a new seed

and watch it grow again.

You fertilize it with patience and love,

fill it with honour and the Word from above.

Shade it from hatred and the showers of venom.

Protect it from trespassers and all it might run from

like the thief in the night who once left it shattered

Inflated it with bogus dreams and lied that she mattered.

Don’t let that heart grow in the same kind of greenhouse

Don’t let that heart go off alone

where predators choose to roam.

Once you’ve tended it and her treasured worth is found out

Let the one who planted seed remind her just which arms are [her] home.

His definition of love is deeper

And he has driven deep into her depths to find it

Showered in the blessings of the gods

He unearthed a purer form of connection

Unafraid to bare his soul

He exchanged this human form of barely anything

For the heaven’s rush and cupid’s rain

Washing away the skepticism of the times

Leaving him with a clean, open heart with which to drink her in.

I hide you in my heart

because you are my secret

I love you in my mind

that’s the safest place to keep it.

You are a part of me

I’m so afraid to lose

Friend, lover, one or the other

I don’t want to choose.

Whispers of Hope

Screaming so silently
Women with broken hearts
And stolen souls
Calling for a white knight
To fill with love the holes...

Sleep Walk

A part of me knows this drifting
is unhealthy.
A part of me knows that I'm bleeding out inside.
The part of me sleep walking knows how to look just fine.

No one has to knowing I'm
dying
No one has to see my undeniable pain
I'll just act like I have an umbrella as I travel through the rain.

Not So Young Today

My eyes often burn
My hands shake, but not too much
My back aches and is never settled
The body I once knew is fading away
My hair has long since begun to turn grey
You would think I'm old

Still in my prime and yet so far from what I desire
to be

Vibrant and happy
Fresh and unafraid
Strong and on top of the world.

Listen to me talk...
Watch my labored walk...
I sigh like I've seen and been through it all...
I have loved and lived enough for a hundred lifetimes...
I have learnt lessons and have the scars of all my burns...

If you didnt already know who I am,
You would think I'm old

Heaven’s rain, he called it

If not for the ring, she’d have fallen

Head over heels, right then and there

She prayed he couldn’t see it

When she said she couldn’t believe it

Because what she wanted was that touch

If it showed, she prayed not too much

With tingling skin she longed to begin a whole different journey

Lord, she was yearning for that kiss

Would her life be the same without that bliss?

Taking a deep breath, with the only sanity she had left

She smiled while clasping his hand

Regretting, as she stood up, that she didn’t have that kind of man

Just walk away, she told herself as she did just that

Forget the verbal seduction and don’t you dare look back

You know that’s what he wants from you- to get you in that place

Where one body finds another merging with more passion than grace

That rain would make you shiver

And heavens would hear your cries

If he got where he wanted to be

Right between your thighs

Just close the door behind you girl

It’s only trouble there

Fine he’d make your toes curl

And he’d caress you hair…

And at the table where she left him

Her touch still tingled on his skin

He knew he’d long for her

It was more than just a whim.

Hosanna on highest

To the Mighty and finest

Who reigns in my ‘dom in eon and age

Great in action and on page

For chronicles have been written

And all hearts should be smitten

For the King is more than just one

A trinity with the Spirit and the Son

Who gave His earthly life

In painful sacrifice

As at the time He was an equal

And not Himself on high… regal

And bow on knee, bended thus

Give all praise, it is a must

For you and me:

We wouldn’t be

If not for Him

All things perfect… all is He.

26-Sept-09

21 Questions

You like the idea of my teeth cracking?

Maybe one or two scraping against my flesh as I swallow them involuntarily?

Does it give you pleasure to see my eyes water when your fist withdraws from my face?

Maybe that imprint the force of the impact leaves upon my skin?

Would you get off faster if I screamed louder now, before I hit my threshold for pain?

I mean, your pleasure, would it peak if you knew how much I was in pain from the get go?

You are laughing even though I'm scratching your flesh off and fighting for my life?

Was I insane to think you were the strong and confident type and beat me because you can't express your emotions?

Well of course, but that doesn’t make it ok, does it?

Are you going to let me walk out the door this time?

Will you watch silently this time as I cram all my belongings into the two suitcases you let me call mine?

Rather than grab my things and burn them before you will let me walk away?

will you step aside and let me get in my car and drive away with my bones intact?

I won't have to spend a night in a new ER will I, you'll allow me reprieve this time?

Are you crazy, do you think I want to stay here another night?

You think it's ok to sleep with whomever you please while I sit back and live in lonely misery?

You think I am going to sit and wait for another life threatening encounter tonight?

Do you know how long I have been thinking of releasing myself from your abusive grasp?

You think I won't fight back when it is all about joy and the air I breathe?

I will battle with every last bead of breath you may draw from me, don't you believe it?

Do you like the flowers they chose with your coffin?

better you than me, I say...

‎10-‎Jan-‎10