I too want something wonderful
like the warmth of his heart
shining in his eyes
and the depth of his love
in those lengthy goodbyes.
An ending that never comes
in the wonders of true love.

I feel as though you owe me something
And yet I honestly want nothing from you.
I'm clear on what I deserve,
what is possible
You were and are not it.
You make the most sense of everything I've ever experienced
but you left me the most confused
Because you went all out gave it everything
and left me spent and empty.
In the split moment of eternity
you filled me up with all I needed
and that's what I'll take away.
That little piece of nothing was enough.

Cleansing Tears

Cleansing tears wash regret down my face

Where they dry and leave a dark trace

 Of the pain you walked me to the edge of

And left me at to ponder

Oh if only I’d been stronger.

Strong enough to fight for you

Something I wish I’d done but cannot do

Strong enough to endure your struggle

But the silence was so loud my mind was muddled

About what to do and how to help

So my place in your life is now a trophy on a shelf.

A trophy with no names carved like notches on the bedpost

The love I have and long to share isn’t even what I wanted to give you most

You’ll never know the fire’s heat that was meant for you and I

We’ll never rush from passion roar to lovers’ sated sigh.

Cleansing tears wash down face

And hope they can erase

All that you once promised me

Binding my heart, walking free.

Don't Be That Girl

The hollow echoes inside my mind

And threatens to fill my heart.

Leaving me empty and without a doubt

That my joy is so far from near.

There’s nothing I can say to myself that will make the time go easier

There nothing I can do to get rid of you or the memories you have branded on my mind

Someone said to day that it’s okay to be sad when you’re sad.

I know.

But how about when you’re almost mad that you’re sad because all you wanted was a “lousy letter or a call”

If he had just ended things like a mature adult, you wouldn’t want anything at all.

But since he didn’t you leave that blasted door open

Inside you know you’re wishin and hopin.

I have no real reason not to love you

As if distance could kill my heart

If I were to wish anything at all

It would be that we’d never come apart

For the rest of my life

I will remember you

You left me near empty

With no hope to refuel

You cracked at my veneer

Until I showed you all my fears.

You dared me to love

To believe your words and trust

To lay my heart down

Like my throat at the guillotine

Vulnerable to you

As naked as the day I joined the world

Then you decided after wooing and reviewing me.

You chose not to make me that girl

Who completed who you were as you went off to conquer the world

Even after the wounds close and the bruises heal

I will remember you

Your words, those songs, the things you left unsaid

Are a chorus of reminders

Played inside my head.

Whispers, Stutters

Is my love determined by how my heart flutters?

Or is it the way my mind stutters?

Or the warmth in my tummy, much like melted butter?

Will it one day cease to be this loud shout and fade to a useless mutter?

So in love my eyes hurt

Searching for you everywhere, even in my dreams.

So in love my teeth hurt

Clenching my jaw to avoid crying out your name.

Showing my teeth so that everyone will think

I’m still the same

Not knowing how much I’ve changed

Been changed by you

So in love my heart hurts

So full it’s about to burst

Overflowing and splitting at the seams

And the only place we share it is in my dreams.

A broken heart is one that cannot mend.

You simply hope to plant a new seed

and watch it grow again.

You fertilize it with patience and love,

fill it with honour and the Word from above.

Shade it from hatred and the showers of venom.

Protect it from trespassers and all it might run from

like the thief in the night who once left it shattered

Inflated it with bogus dreams and lied that she mattered.

Don’t let that heart grow in the same kind of greenhouse

Don’t let that heart go off alone

where predators choose to roam.

Once you’ve tended it and her treasured worth is found out

Let the one who planted seed remind her just which arms are [her] home.

Not So Young Today

My eyes often burn
My hands shake, but not too much
My back aches and is never settled
The body I once knew is fading away
My hair has long since begun to turn grey
You would think I'm old

Still in my prime and yet so far from what I desire
to be

Vibrant and happy
Fresh and unafraid
Strong and on top of the world.

Listen to me talk...
Watch my labored walk...
I sigh like I've seen and been through it all...
I have loved and lived enough for a hundred lifetimes...
I have learnt lessons and have the scars of all my burns...

If you didnt already know who I am,
You would think I'm old

I don’t think you deserve me right now.

I can see where this will lead and I don’t think- in fact I know- that I won’t be the rebound girl, so you’ll find another plaything and the cycle will continue. I must find it in myself to reject you and all your beautiful.

I don’t think I deserve you right now.

I have been presented with knights in shining armour and lords with the wealth of nations,

Surely I don’t believe I deserve an impoverished heart?

It is not about the money, but the state and wealth of your being...

You have spent your last cent in a two-bit relationship whereas I would have brought my plentiful dowry to your feet and offered you all I am and can be.

I don’t think we are in the same world.

But don’t I deserve happiness?

Don’t you deserve it too?

You won’t find it where you are looking...

You’re in the wrong house again my dear.

Looking into the double-storey with the fireplace blazing and yet you are in the shack next door- oh so far but very, very near.

You don’t think you deserve me either.

If I am to be completely honest, this is true.

You seek for moments of hot gratification and hope to hold onto me while you sift through your hormones until all that is left is your heart and its clear message, whatever that may be.

I can see glimpses of the great love you could and can be, but you see me as the long haul kind of girl and therefore relegate me to a sideline post where I can be your cheerleader and medic and pep talker when needed... you’ll always find a reason to need me for a little while before jumping back in the field of action.

And I don’t think I deserve that.

He came to me, looking like he was supposed to and that meant, things were back to normal... my heart filled with sadness and I let him go before I even said hello.

Good bye sexy one...

I hope you have a great time with the freak of nature’s best game. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re not so much the same

Or that you’d rather be gay

Or maybe that you’d rather have stayed with me anyway.

You told me that you weren’t looking for a relationship and then turn around and pick her so I hope she makes you glad

and that you never wonder about what we never had

And yet on the other hand, I hope that in the woes of passion, you embrace her and pull in her for a kiss and the bar on your tongue

Hooks to the ring on her lip and it burns and stings the way your quick choice stung

I hope to untangle yourselves you rip out the ring, disfiguring the face you chose over mine

And your tongue starts to bleed and maybe she gives you an STD

Because that is the only way I won’t let you come back to me.

What am I saying, that isn’t the only way! But it is a very good reason

That and that you committed relationship treason

And I don’t look back

Not for you, not for anyone.

Goodbye sexy one...

If I had the capacity to relay my thoughts verbatim,

You’d see everything that my heart keeps hidden.

I keep thinking and thinking

And with every thought my heart is sinking.

I don’t think I am important enough to you to begin with

Because I’d win, don’t matter if competition is stiff

I would always win.

Hands tied, eyes closed, heart drowned... I would always win.

The essence of having the cake and eating it too

Or having the best of both worlds should never apply in matters of the heart.

True matters anyhow...

I huffed and puffed

I was angry

I smiled and bubbled

Slightly nervous

I weathered the picnic

My time would come

I started to worry

We were falling down again

I saw fleeting hope,

That the turn was for better

I soon fell to tears

It was not to be a fairytale.

23-Oct-09

it’s understandable

I was angry and ready for a fight until he called

Then my heart was again ready for flight, I started to fall

I was a nervous wreck by the end of week

Not sure whether to go down fighting or turn the other cheek

The excitement, I’m told, was all over my face

The emotion called love tends to blot out time and space

So when I saw him and smiled like I did

I let myself just bathe in the joy, back to being a kid

And afterwards when it came time to really talk

He took me down the incredibly difficult road he had to walk

The silence was intermittent and full of such pain

One would rather spend a night sleeping in the rain

You can only forgive and you can’t help but cry

That through his pain, he hardly even tried

Left outside The Circle to your own devices

Would you hold strong against all your friends’ advices?

The pieces are still fragile and yet to be mended

But I’m glad we spoke and made peace and no one pretended.

23-Oct-09

Hosanna on highest

To the Mighty and finest

Who reigns in my ‘dom in eon and age

Great in action and on page

For chronicles have been written

And all hearts should be smitten

For the King is more than just one

A trinity with the Spirit and the Son

Who gave His earthly life

In painful sacrifice

As at the time He was an equal

And not Himself on high… regal

And bow on knee, bended thus

Give all praise, it is a must

For you and me:

We wouldn’t be

If not for Him

All things perfect… all is He.

26-Sept-09

How can a touch drive someone mad?

Weak in the head but strong in the mind…

I know what I want and I know what I must find

In the man of my dreams

Quick to make me laugh and of quality: supreme

How can your heart not break?

Working with the folks I do…

Each is much more broken than you

And yet they smile and sing and jump for the gifts you bring

How can she live with so many men around her?

He’d have to be strong, the one she found her

For a lesser mortal couldn’t do it…

Wouldn’t be able to find where he fit…

She just wants to be happy then?

Yes, surrounded by loved ones and friends

Able to give joy where she finds sorrow

Able to offer a plan for tomorrow

She has a lot of names

And often gets caught in endless games

But her head’s screwed on right

And she knows when to fight

And when to let it go

When to cry

And when not to let her feelings show…

15-Sept-09

Living in our Babylon

We cannot exist together speaking two different languages

The pastor even said so

We cannot go on living as we do if I cannot understand you

You can’t read the language of my heart

And I can’t read from a distance so far apart.

You don’t hear the words of a scared woman

And I don’t hear, won’t hear the doubts if you don’t open your mouth to speak.

What path have you taken

And can it be mine?

You are all alone there and seem to be fine

And it worries me to notice

The pastor said understanding is a result of speech

So just how much silence will you keep

Before I give in and walk on by?

Before the tears begin to cry

Tell me something, tell me why?

We keep waiting and waiting for more words from me

Although I love you comes easily

Where is the proof that it’s not just words?

Simple to man

Like flying is to birds.

Talk to me now, to keep the peace

Saying anything at all to put me at ease.

14-Sept-09

“Unhappy Housewife: It’s all in my head”

I ripped your throat out as I smiled over the roast chicken last night.

It started as a cold word and then you slapped me

Then I lay there, still on the ground until you decided to pour your soup in my hair

And it made me so mad I stood up and slapped you back, with a shaking, angry hand.

Of course this made you more outraged still and my head slammed against the cupboard

Scratching and besides myself, I screamed that you couldn’t feed yourself without me, you ungrateful pig

You punched me twice in the stomach and said the money came from you… we all know that

You kicked me with your expensive boots from Australia, cracked my teeth.

Then you knelt before me and said my food was not good enough for swine.

So to save you the grief of having to digest it, I ripped your goddamn throat out.

Then I served the rest of the family and the meal went well.

I kissed you silly and thanked you for the gift you got me for my birthday, this morning.

I found it in my closet, next to last year’s shoes.

With a neat perfunctory bow, straight from a department store gift section, they sat there waiting.

I tried them on for size and they were 2 sizes too big but no worries, love. They’re beautiful.

Then I ran to the bathroom to sneak into the shower with you, extra gratitude

Needless, though, you were already done. Not there.

So I sped down the stairs, hoping to find you in the breakfast nook with your coffee.

You were already done there too, though. Dishes in the sink.

So I rushed to the garage, in order to catch you before you drove out to work.

Your car wasn’t parked there… hadn’t even closed the garage door on your way out.

I found a note in the kitchen when I returned. Two week trip out of town. Hope I liked the shoes.

That is when I realized you forgot the birthday and the shoes were an apology for another departure.

But I won’t relay that to the girls at the salon.

You’re out of town now and I will miss you…

This morning, I kissed you silly and enjoyed that shower and meal for two.

I moaned aloud as you bit into my skin and handled my body like fillet from the butchery.

Closing my eyes I imagined each sharp nip was a gentle nibble, along the inner parts of my thigh.

Your hands groping blindly on my breasts became the caress of a skilled and caring man, kindling fires of passion

Each time you pulled my hair, it turned into a playful tug, making my scalp tingle

You put me first and every move you made was for my benefit so that I could reach that place

Just like the first time we made love… it is only getting better with time.

You listen when I ask you to adjust and try something new, you never get mad.

Ha… It never hurts, I never have a single complaint because in my head you made sweet, sweet love to me

I moan out loud because in my mind you are the perfect, attentive lover.

[But it is all in my mind and the two images of you will never reconcile, merge or compare.]

22-Dec-09

Just to get the ball rolling, I found something I wrote quite a while back... I'm sure if I tried hard enough, I could find the exact reason I wrote this piece in my memory banks, but I am not up for that :)

There is no song to accompany this one just yet. If anyone reads this and has one in mind, feel free to comment.

“Untitled”

I’ll cover my ears but not to hear you say goodbye

I’ll cover my face but not for you to see me cry

            I could be a soldier but the plane is too loud

            I could be a woman but have I not vowed

I’ll cover my mouth but not to say the words I must

I’ll cover my heart but not to block the final thrust

            I could be a singer but all I want is to kiss

            I could be a woman but I have dreaded this!

I’ll cover my self, cover my soul but not because of who you are

I’ll cover the pain, uncover the joy that we have come this far

            Who would ever thought it, I’d not have bought it

            That you and I would say farewell, tears in my lids may well

But cover up the sorrow. I must to keep it from attack

Cover up the longing just in case I want my baby back

Cover that soulful throaty groan, turn it into laughter

Cover that old fairy tale of Happy Ever After

written 13/08/06 by KaBabyblu

Thank you for reading.