I too want something wonderful
like the warmth of his heart
shining in his eyes
and the depth of his love
in those lengthy goodbyes.
An ending that never comes
in the wonders of true love.

Excuse Me Please, Dear Reader

In the coming weeks, I will be posting something that isn't always poetry. That statement is both a warning and an apology. I'm honored to share life with you through the verses I've posted in the past, and now I have considered adding something I might call ramblings.

Feel free to tell me what you think :)

I want to cry over you

I want to mourn the wonders of a love I had so much hope for

I want to miss everything you made me feel

I want to cry over you

But the tears won’t come!

But the tears won’t come!

THE TEARS WON’T COME

Cleansing Tears

Cleansing tears wash regret down my face

Where they dry and leave a dark trace

 Of the pain you walked me to the edge of

And left me at to ponder

Oh if only I’d been stronger.

Strong enough to fight for you

Something I wish I’d done but cannot do

Strong enough to endure your struggle

But the silence was so loud my mind was muddled

About what to do and how to help

So my place in your life is now a trophy on a shelf.

A trophy with no names carved like notches on the bedpost

The love I have and long to share isn’t even what I wanted to give you most

You’ll never know the fire’s heat that was meant for you and I

We’ll never rush from passion roar to lovers’ sated sigh.

Cleansing tears wash down face

And hope they can erase

All that you once promised me

Binding my heart, walking free.

Don't Be That Girl

The hollow echoes inside my mind

And threatens to fill my heart.

Leaving me empty and without a doubt

That my joy is so far from near.

There’s nothing I can say to myself that will make the time go easier

There nothing I can do to get rid of you or the memories you have branded on my mind

Someone said to day that it’s okay to be sad when you’re sad.

I know.

But how about when you’re almost mad that you’re sad because all you wanted was a “lousy letter or a call”

If he had just ended things like a mature adult, you wouldn’t want anything at all.

But since he didn’t you leave that blasted door open

Inside you know you’re wishin and hopin.

For the rest of my life

I will remember you

You left me near empty

With no hope to refuel

You cracked at my veneer

Until I showed you all my fears.

You dared me to love

To believe your words and trust

To lay my heart down

Like my throat at the guillotine

Vulnerable to you

As naked as the day I joined the world

Then you decided after wooing and reviewing me.

You chose not to make me that girl

Who completed who you were as you went off to conquer the world

Even after the wounds close and the bruises heal

I will remember you

Your words, those songs, the things you left unsaid

Are a chorus of reminders

Played inside my head.

Whispers, Stutters

Is my love determined by how my heart flutters?

Or is it the way my mind stutters?

Or the warmth in my tummy, much like melted butter?

Will it one day cease to be this loud shout and fade to a useless mutter?

So in love my eyes hurt

Searching for you everywhere, even in my dreams.

So in love my teeth hurt

Clenching my jaw to avoid crying out your name.

Showing my teeth so that everyone will think

I’m still the same

Not knowing how much I’ve changed

Been changed by you

So in love my heart hurts

So full it’s about to burst

Overflowing and splitting at the seams

And the only place we share it is in my dreams.

I am that invisible girl

No one knows who I am

And no one knows what I am capable of.

I show them- I can show them- but no one really sees

Never really sees the value of me.

The true worth of my words

I’m speaking on mute… might as well be, speaking to you.

Any of you.

Slowly erased from conscious living

No longer a useful, conscious being

Because everything I say can fade

There’s nothing noteworthy in the way I behave because it will quickly be erased.

The cacophony around me does nothing for my concussion and

Clearly reminds me that mine is a solo discussion

There I am in that crowded room- hoping of course that I do and don’t bump into you-

Not really expecting much

Content to be the unseen wonder in the room.

My thoughts are loud enough

And yet empty of real substance.

It’s okay for me to sit alone,

I want to be the one in the invisible cloak

Resplendent in myself and yet left to my own devices.

It is in my own company that I have no fears about how to act.

No qualms at all about that

The only time I know what to expect, when it’s only me in my debt.

Feeling… fatigue, weary and a little bit mind-screwed.

Faith withstands the defeat and keeps my mind moving

I have reasons to live, I have a drive of my own

But I wasn’t designed to be alone.

To protect my heart

I will let my ego grow…

Who I am will be made more important than what you’ve done.

No one will ever know.

I said, I am more important than what you’ve done;

Replaced my soul with “baby you’re the one”.

Now I’ve crawled out of the hole of your dark lies

And my God has already redeemed with the gift of sacrifice.

So who is this that I Am… the godly in me

Whose boundless love wanted to set you free

Who forgave all those trespasses

to try and make this love last, this

Being who is always here,

to destroy your doubts and ease your fears

The one who gives everything- everything!-

when you’re feeling the least

The battle fighting, passion igniting, faithful, abiding… one.

I Am.

I said, I will make My God greater than what you’ve done.

My ego, the perfection of my identity

The flawlessness that makes me a unique entity

Who I Am is what He sees in me

The greatness of Christ clothing me so perfectly

His definition of love is deeper

And he has driven deep into her depths to find it

Showered in the blessings of the gods

He unearthed a purer form of connection

Unafraid to bare his soul

He exchanged this human form of barely anything

For the heaven’s rush and cupid’s rain

Washing away the skepticism of the times

Leaving him with a clean, open heart with which to drink her in.

I hide you in my heart

because you are my secret

I love you in my mind

that’s the safest place to keep it.

You are a part of me

I’m so afraid to lose

Friend, lover, one or the other

I don’t want to choose.