Not So Young Today

My eyes often burn
My hands shake, but not too much
My back aches and is never settled
The body I once knew is fading away
My hair has long since begun to turn grey
You would think I'm old

Still in my prime and yet so far from what I desire
to be

Vibrant and happy
Fresh and unafraid
Strong and on top of the world.

Listen to me talk...
Watch my labored walk...
I sigh like I've seen and been through it all...
I have loved and lived enough for a hundred lifetimes...
I have learnt lessons and have the scars of all my burns...

If you didnt already know who I am,
You would think I'm old

Heaven’s rain, he called it

If not for the ring, she’d have fallen

Head over heels, right then and there

She prayed he couldn’t see it

When she said she couldn’t believe it

Because what she wanted was that touch

If it showed, she prayed not too much

With tingling skin she longed to begin a whole different journey

Lord, she was yearning for that kiss

Would her life be the same without that bliss?

Taking a deep breath, with the only sanity she had left

She smiled while clasping his hand

Regretting, as she stood up, that she didn’t have that kind of man

Just walk away, she told herself as she did just that

Forget the verbal seduction and don’t you dare look back

You know that’s what he wants from you- to get you in that place

Where one body finds another merging with more passion than grace

That rain would make you shiver

And heavens would hear your cries

If he got where he wanted to be

Right between your thighs

Just close the door behind you girl

It’s only trouble there

Fine he’d make your toes curl

And he’d caress you hair…

And at the table where she left him

Her touch still tingled on his skin

He knew he’d long for her

It was more than just a whim.

My chest can’t hold the waves of pain anymore... they resonate through my breastplate and fingertips and echo into the silence around me... silence around me.

At first I felt flooded and was ready to drown, but I grew gills to adapt to the misery and heartache but the pressure is increasing and I just can’t do this. This fighting. This fighting for myself. So it’s going right through me.

who will not judge me?

No consolation, no comfort

No touch

No love

Only heaps of hot red blame

Blame

Blame

Blame

Oh, Music

Have you ever listened to a song... with one ear vaguely on the lyrics... the noise of the notes and the music is enough to make you want to sigh. And cry.

And then you play back and everything you thought in the first instance is exactly what the song is.

It’s heartbreaking and speaks right into your own heart.

And you want to laugh and smile because music has finally been written for your life, but you want to wail at the same time- or at least let tears slip silently down your face because that’s what’s happening on the inside.

If there was ever hope

Ever love

Ever broken hearts

Ever happiness

Oh music, you have spoken it to me as if you were in my head

The word giddy comes to mind because you excite me in more ways than one. I am so happy in your company and I enjoy the feel of you against me. The light in your eyes when you look at me.

I don’t think you deserve me right now.

I can see where this will lead and I don’t think- in fact I know- that I won’t be the rebound girl, so you’ll find another plaything and the cycle will continue. I must find it in myself to reject you and all your beautiful.

I don’t think I deserve you right now.

I have been presented with knights in shining armour and lords with the wealth of nations,

Surely I don’t believe I deserve an impoverished heart?

It is not about the money, but the state and wealth of your being...

You have spent your last cent in a two-bit relationship whereas I would have brought my plentiful dowry to your feet and offered you all I am and can be.

I don’t think we are in the same world.

But don’t I deserve happiness?

Don’t you deserve it too?

You won’t find it where you are looking...

You’re in the wrong house again my dear.

Looking into the double-storey with the fireplace blazing and yet you are in the shack next door- oh so far but very, very near.

You don’t think you deserve me either.

If I am to be completely honest, this is true.

You seek for moments of hot gratification and hope to hold onto me while you sift through your hormones until all that is left is your heart and its clear message, whatever that may be.

I can see glimpses of the great love you could and can be, but you see me as the long haul kind of girl and therefore relegate me to a sideline post where I can be your cheerleader and medic and pep talker when needed... you’ll always find a reason to need me for a little while before jumping back in the field of action.

And I don’t think I deserve that.

He came to me, looking like he was supposed to and that meant, things were back to normal... my heart filled with sadness and I let him go before I even said hello.

Good bye sexy one...

I hope you have a great time with the freak of nature’s best game. Maybe you’ll find out that you’re not so much the same

Or that you’d rather be gay

Or maybe that you’d rather have stayed with me anyway.

You told me that you weren’t looking for a relationship and then turn around and pick her so I hope she makes you glad

and that you never wonder about what we never had

And yet on the other hand, I hope that in the woes of passion, you embrace her and pull in her for a kiss and the bar on your tongue

Hooks to the ring on her lip and it burns and stings the way your quick choice stung

I hope to untangle yourselves you rip out the ring, disfiguring the face you chose over mine

And your tongue starts to bleed and maybe she gives you an STD

Because that is the only way I won’t let you come back to me.

What am I saying, that isn’t the only way! But it is a very good reason

That and that you committed relationship treason

And I don’t look back

Not for you, not for anyone.

Goodbye sexy one...

If I had the capacity to relay my thoughts verbatim,

You’d see everything that my heart keeps hidden.

I keep thinking and thinking

And with every thought my heart is sinking.

I don’t think I am important enough to you to begin with

Because I’d win, don’t matter if competition is stiff

I would always win.

Hands tied, eyes closed, heart drowned... I would always win.

The essence of having the cake and eating it too

Or having the best of both worlds should never apply in matters of the heart.

True matters anyhow...

I huffed and puffed

I was angry

I smiled and bubbled

Slightly nervous

I weathered the picnic

My time would come

I started to worry

We were falling down again

I saw fleeting hope,

That the turn was for better

I soon fell to tears

It was not to be a fairytale.

23-Oct-09

it’s understandable

I was angry and ready for a fight until he called

Then my heart was again ready for flight, I started to fall

I was a nervous wreck by the end of week

Not sure whether to go down fighting or turn the other cheek

The excitement, I’m told, was all over my face

The emotion called love tends to blot out time and space

So when I saw him and smiled like I did

I let myself just bathe in the joy, back to being a kid

And afterwards when it came time to really talk

He took me down the incredibly difficult road he had to walk

The silence was intermittent and full of such pain

One would rather spend a night sleeping in the rain

You can only forgive and you can’t help but cry

That through his pain, he hardly even tried

Left outside The Circle to your own devices

Would you hold strong against all your friends’ advices?

The pieces are still fragile and yet to be mended

But I’m glad we spoke and made peace and no one pretended.

23-Oct-09

Confusion divides my thoughts

Between what is right

And what I want

No one can help me now

Tell me which way

Or tell me how

Because it’s my heart, my mind

I know where the story starts

And what I was hoping to find

1-Oct-09

Hosanna on highest

To the Mighty and finest

Who reigns in my ‘dom in eon and age

Great in action and on page

For chronicles have been written

And all hearts should be smitten

For the King is more than just one

A trinity with the Spirit and the Son

Who gave His earthly life

In painful sacrifice

As at the time He was an equal

And not Himself on high… regal

And bow on knee, bended thus

Give all praise, it is a must

For you and me:

We wouldn’t be

If not for Him

All things perfect… all is He.

26-Sept-09

How can a touch drive someone mad?

Weak in the head but strong in the mind…

I know what I want and I know what I must find

In the man of my dreams

Quick to make me laugh and of quality: supreme

How can your heart not break?

Working with the folks I do…

Each is much more broken than you

And yet they smile and sing and jump for the gifts you bring

How can she live with so many men around her?

He’d have to be strong, the one she found her

For a lesser mortal couldn’t do it…

Wouldn’t be able to find where he fit…

She just wants to be happy then?

Yes, surrounded by loved ones and friends

Able to give joy where she finds sorrow

Able to offer a plan for tomorrow

She has a lot of names

And often gets caught in endless games

But her head’s screwed on right

And she knows when to fight

And when to let it go

When to cry

And when not to let her feelings show…

15-Sept-09

Living in our Babylon

We cannot exist together speaking two different languages

The pastor even said so

We cannot go on living as we do if I cannot understand you

You can’t read the language of my heart

And I can’t read from a distance so far apart.

You don’t hear the words of a scared woman

And I don’t hear, won’t hear the doubts if you don’t open your mouth to speak.

What path have you taken

And can it be mine?

You are all alone there and seem to be fine

And it worries me to notice

The pastor said understanding is a result of speech

So just how much silence will you keep

Before I give in and walk on by?

Before the tears begin to cry

Tell me something, tell me why?

We keep waiting and waiting for more words from me

Although I love you comes easily

Where is the proof that it’s not just words?

Simple to man

Like flying is to birds.

Talk to me now, to keep the peace

Saying anything at all to put me at ease.

14-Sept-09

21 Questions

You like the idea of my teeth cracking?

Maybe one or two scraping against my flesh as I swallow them involuntarily?

Does it give you pleasure to see my eyes water when your fist withdraws from my face?

Maybe that imprint the force of the impact leaves upon my skin?

Would you get off faster if I screamed louder now, before I hit my threshold for pain?

I mean, your pleasure, would it peak if you knew how much I was in pain from the get go?

You are laughing even though I'm scratching your flesh off and fighting for my life?

Was I insane to think you were the strong and confident type and beat me because you can't express your emotions?

Well of course, but that doesn’t make it ok, does it?

Are you going to let me walk out the door this time?

Will you watch silently this time as I cram all my belongings into the two suitcases you let me call mine?

Rather than grab my things and burn them before you will let me walk away?

will you step aside and let me get in my car and drive away with my bones intact?

I won't have to spend a night in a new ER will I, you'll allow me reprieve this time?

Are you crazy, do you think I want to stay here another night?

You think it's ok to sleep with whomever you please while I sit back and live in lonely misery?

You think I am going to sit and wait for another life threatening encounter tonight?

Do you know how long I have been thinking of releasing myself from your abusive grasp?

You think I won't fight back when it is all about joy and the air I breathe?

I will battle with every last bead of breath you may draw from me, don't you believe it?

Do you like the flowers they chose with your coffin?

better you than me, I say...

‎10-‎Jan-‎10

Song: I haven’t seen my child in years… baby, baby come home.

Poem: across the seas of fish and whales

May drown out the echo of my wails

But Daddy’s little girl is growing

And daddy knows… oh he is aware

He just can’t be there

S: My heart is calling, calling, calling.

Baby, baby, come home.

P: a refugee in a foreign land

Three little girls and one grown man

In 1989, no one thought it would be just fine

And if they had…

Wouldn’t have known that it could be so bad

S: Blood, tears, rage and pain.

Dreams washed into… into the drain.

P: Daddy’s feelings rain over me in this morbid weather

She speaks aloud of love and influence

Not knowing how the cloth of my being is rent…

Torn between speaking now and deciding that they don’t know how

How being the only one is not always a gift

I have a story… you’re right, I do

But I can’t tell it when my soul’s in two

Could you?

How could you?

I am… one day you’ll see Baby Blue.

11-Dec-09

Song: I haven’t seen my child in years… baby, baby come home.

Poem: across the seas of fish and whales

May drown out the echo of my wails

But Daddy’s little girl is growing

And daddy knows… oh he is aware

He just can’t be there

S: My heart is calling, calling, calling.

Baby, baby, come home.

P: a refugee in a foreign land

Three little girls and one grown man

In 1989, no one thought it would be just fine

And if they had…

Wouldn’t have known that it could be so bad

S: Blood, tears, rage and pain.

Dreams washed into… into the drain.

P: Daddy’s feelings rain over me in this morbid weather

She speaks aloud of love and influence

Not knowing how the cloth of my being is rent…

Torn between speaking now and deciding that they don’t know how

How being the only one is not always a gift

I have a story… you’re right, I do

But I can’t tell it when my soul’s in two

Could you?

How could you?

I am… one day you’ll see Baby Blue.

11-Dec-09

“Unhappy Housewife: It’s all in my head”

I ripped your throat out as I smiled over the roast chicken last night.

It started as a cold word and then you slapped me

Then I lay there, still on the ground until you decided to pour your soup in my hair

And it made me so mad I stood up and slapped you back, with a shaking, angry hand.

Of course this made you more outraged still and my head slammed against the cupboard

Scratching and besides myself, I screamed that you couldn’t feed yourself without me, you ungrateful pig

You punched me twice in the stomach and said the money came from you… we all know that

You kicked me with your expensive boots from Australia, cracked my teeth.

Then you knelt before me and said my food was not good enough for swine.

So to save you the grief of having to digest it, I ripped your goddamn throat out.

Then I served the rest of the family and the meal went well.

I kissed you silly and thanked you for the gift you got me for my birthday, this morning.

I found it in my closet, next to last year’s shoes.

With a neat perfunctory bow, straight from a department store gift section, they sat there waiting.

I tried them on for size and they were 2 sizes too big but no worries, love. They’re beautiful.

Then I ran to the bathroom to sneak into the shower with you, extra gratitude

Needless, though, you were already done. Not there.

So I sped down the stairs, hoping to find you in the breakfast nook with your coffee.

You were already done there too, though. Dishes in the sink.

So I rushed to the garage, in order to catch you before you drove out to work.

Your car wasn’t parked there… hadn’t even closed the garage door on your way out.

I found a note in the kitchen when I returned. Two week trip out of town. Hope I liked the shoes.

That is when I realized you forgot the birthday and the shoes were an apology for another departure.

But I won’t relay that to the girls at the salon.

You’re out of town now and I will miss you…

This morning, I kissed you silly and enjoyed that shower and meal for two.

I moaned aloud as you bit into my skin and handled my body like fillet from the butchery.

Closing my eyes I imagined each sharp nip was a gentle nibble, along the inner parts of my thigh.

Your hands groping blindly on my breasts became the caress of a skilled and caring man, kindling fires of passion

Each time you pulled my hair, it turned into a playful tug, making my scalp tingle

You put me first and every move you made was for my benefit so that I could reach that place

Just like the first time we made love… it is only getting better with time.

You listen when I ask you to adjust and try something new, you never get mad.

Ha… It never hurts, I never have a single complaint because in my head you made sweet, sweet love to me

I moan out loud because in my mind you are the perfect, attentive lover.

[But it is all in my mind and the two images of you will never reconcile, merge or compare.]

22-Dec-09

You Awakened My Fire

Is it wishful thinking?
That what we have won't die?
What we have- or what we had- can't just die...

Can we throw away a passion borne of pure compassion,
fueled in a fashion that many can only imagine?

Our love was borne under our skin
and it crept into our hearts.
When it began to flow within our beings,
we came alive.

I have never met anyone who impacts me the way you did.
Evoking my fire.

Now it'll never die.


Written by YaSaBa

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE... :)